Tabloid Cheat Sheet: RPatz Marrying KStew? Is Kendra Being Too Sexy?

This bunch of tabloids is all about defining sexy. People is back again with its “Sexiest Man Alive” issue, which is pretty self-explanatory. In Touch is asking if mothers can stay sexy, using Kendra Wilkinson as its research guinea pig. And the rest of the mags all have their own projects trying to explore this topic, too. Obviously, it is all very scientific, but don’t worry — I got your SparkNotes. So sit down, read on, and get ready to be educated. Ha!

  • I got a bone to pick with People before we get started. How dare you taunt me with your glossy, 25th anniversary double-issue, “Sexiest Man Alive” cover, only to ruin my Ryan Reynolds -induced high by trying to make me pay a dollar more? I get that there are more pages and an exponentially greater number of shirtless men, but that should be your gift to me! That should be my prize for dragging my butt to the newsstand every Wednesday and buying your magazine. OK, I am done with my typographic fist-shaking now.
  • In a surprise twist, this year’s “Sexiest Man Alive” title didn’t go to George Clooney, but Ryan Reynolds. Mr. Scarlett Johansson dishes up a good interview full of love for Canada, appreciation for the married life, and a vehement dislike of having to survive on protein bars while buffing up for a role. But of course this is a section that words can’t do justice, because it is all about a visual splendor of male foxiness. It is worth checking out for the picture of Jason Segel with his favorite Muppets alone.
  • Prince William and Kate Middleton finally got engaged, which means that the tabloids can finally print those stories they wrote months ago. People’s is particularly long. The article recounts the couple’s relationship so far, all they way up to their engagement announcement, which was apparently greeted by a joyous banging on tables by the British Cabinet. The write-up also takes a look at Middleton’s family. It seems that her dad might be the be the answer to the male pattern baldness that has been plaguing the royal line recently, because that man is rocking a full head of hair or a really convincing toupee.
  • On a more serious note People also reports on what will hopefully will be the last chapter Elizabeth Smart’s road to justice. The now 23-year-old interrupted her Mormon mission in Paris to give over 9 hours of testimony about her abduction in her captor’s trial. Smart recounted how Brian David Mitchell took her by knife-point from her room at age 14 and forced her into being his sex slave, raping Elizabeth three to four times a day. After the three days of testimony ended, Smart rejoined her mission and hopefully began a “new page” of her life. [People]

  • In this installment of “Kate Gosselin Is An Evil Mom,” Us Weekly says that Kate told her kids that they aren’t going to heaven, because “Jesus doesn’t love bad people.” Gosselin apparently dropped this bomb after two of her children were expelled from school and the rest of the brood was put on probation. Gosselin also is said to think that since she pays the school good money, they should be responsible for raising her kids right. If any of this is true—which I doubt it is—maybe it would be best for this kids to go to a new school?
  • So I can’t get this whole Tony Parker and Eva Longoria divorce scandal straight and this batch of tabloids is doing me no favors. While it was Tony that was first rumored to be filing for divorce, Us’ article says it is Eva looking to end the marriage. The actress is said to have discovered hundreds of texts exchanged between her husband and a mutual female friend. While Tony has apparently owned up to his inappropriate actions and begged for forgiveness, insiders say the Longoria’s trust has been broken and is beyond repair. So add this to the growing stacks of rumors surrounding these two because it is sure to be retracted, revised, or finagled by tomorrow morning.
  • Us also dishes up a little magazine poaching, sculpting a portrait of “Glee“‘s Matthew Morrison as a bad boyfriend based on his Details interview. Matt apparently considers himself a late bloomer, not cashing in his v-card until 21. Now, he is on a woman rampage saying that he enjoys being single and isn’t ready to date seriously, because he is too focused. But just because Matt is making up for lost time doesn’t mean he isn’t picky. Insiders are saying he doesn’t really like Cameron Diaz, the most recent woman he is rumored to be dating. These insiders are going to get him in trouble. [Us Weekly]

  • Darn you, OK, for trying to bamboozle me into believing something that you also reveal isn’t true. I am speaking of the mag’s cover that proclaims that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are “Just Married!” This, of course, is all just to lure you into the pages where you realize they aren’t talking Kristen and Rob, but their “Twilight” characters, Edward and Bella. The actors have been in Brazil filming the fictional couple’s honeymoon, but that doesn’t me the real twosome isn’t getting cozy. OK pretty much gives a soft-core porn description about how the pair are getting steamy off the set, and don’t mind stripping down for the intimate on-set scenes. I feel dirty and cheated.
  • You know you want to hear what big daddy Joe Simpson has to say about his daughter’s engagement. He is a happy man, but nevertheless he wants to talk about something else. After expressing his enthusiasm for Jessica’s announcement, he went straight to business, talking about Jessica’s empire and how it is bringing in the money. Simpson brags that his daughter’s clothing and accessory empire is going to rake in $700 million this year and it is all thanks to him—oh, and his daughter and wife too. Joe goes on to protest claims that he is controlling, but doesn’t really do a good job backing them up. Maybe he should take some of that $700 million and get some PR training or just stop doing interviews?
  • OK threw me another red herring with “Halle’s Second Baby.” This “baby” turns out to be the time and emotional commitment that Halle has put into her role for the upcoming film “Frankie and Alice.” The actress, who also produced the movie, describes the journey as finally giving birth after 12 years of work. It looks like the effort might pay off in a big way since Berry’s acting in the film is already generating Oscar buzz. But Halle insists she isn’t think about grabbing another golden guy, saying, “I love the one I have.” Well, if it all pans out, I have some mantle space that needs to be filled with something impressive. Hint, hint. [OK!]

  • “Can’t A Mom Be Sexy?” Kendra Wilkinson asks. Now, it’s not my place to draw the line, but In Touch seems comfortable doing it. Since the tabloids have Kendra’s number on speed dial, there was no shortage of quotes from the former playmate defending her right to shake her booty. Wilkinson shares that she wants to be a good mom and wife, but at the same time is only 25 and wants to embrace her free spirit fully. For Kendra, this means enjoying Hollywood night life, being flirty, and dressing sexy. While this approach is jiving for lots of men that cross Kendra’s path, her husband Hank is said to be far from happy about his wife’s wild side. These are the problems many couples face, but I imagine it’s especially expected when your relationship started at the Playboy mansion.
  • Look out world—we have two more Kardashians coming our way! According to In Touch, Kardashian head-of-household Kris Jenner is pushing to get her two younger children, Kendall and Kylie, into the spotlight. Kris is rumored to be pitching a show focusing on the girls for a teen audience. But while Kris is plotting to expand the growing knowledge of the Kardashian family, husband Bruce believes his daughters are being hurried into the Hollywood life. The issue of whether Kendall and Kylie should become a big facet of the family empire is a big fighting point between the couple. And no one likes unhappy Kardashians.
  • Bristol Palin has another exclusive interview, this time discussing her rising confidence on “Dancing With The Stars.” Palin says that the show has not only help tone her legs, but has given her a big self-esteem boost. Being Sarah Palin’s spawn comes with some expectations on the superficial side of things. Bristol admits that she grew up constantly hearing her guy friends talking about how hot her mom was, but didn’t let it bother her. Now she sees herself as a sexy mama, and is proud of her ample booty. Palin gushes about how everyone has been great to her, except for one member of the “DWTS” squad. Apparently, Maksim Chmerkovskiy doesn’t care for Bristol because he believes she doesn’t deserve to be on the show. I don’t know … maybe he is just all steamed up because Bristol forgot to vote?[In Touch]