28 Ways To Stop Yourself From Having A Cheap One-Night Stand

I’ve read so much advice about not just hopping into bed with men—about how you should make yourself as exclusive as a luxury brand, and how holding out makes him commit. While normally I’d insert an eye roll here, I’m finally a broken slut. Why? Courtney Love said she doesn’t do one-night stands. She, a woman whose daughter divorced her, said she is too sensitive to just hit and run on guys. That there guitar is the only thing she’ll hump without being bought dinner first! Wow. Color me shocked. Sheesh, maybe I better slow my roll. I definitely don’t want to be out-partying a woman who started a band called Hole! [Yahoo UK]

So, to help sluts like myself stop opening our legs for business after hours, I’ve come up with a handy-dandy list of reasons to avoid one night of sexy times with a stranger. The vag you save may be your own.

  1. Think of all the STDs, then think about how hard it is to schedule a gyno appointment.
  2. Buy a new vibrator.
  3. Remember all the bad sex you’ve had.
  4. Make a mental list of all the things you have to do this week.
  5. A LOT of farts escape overnight.
  6. The inevitable awkward morning after.
  7. His wang could be gross.
  8. Or he could be too young to know how to use it.
  9. You know you’re better at taking care of your own business than 90 percent of the dudes you’ve slept with.
  10. You don’t feel like bending over.
  11. Is he worth the extra point on your sex number?
  12. He probably hasn’t taken a shower in a couple days—probably not since the last ho he banged from the bar.
  13. Do you really want to see him in daylight?!
  14. He’s drunk — he could go “Exorcist” puke-style.
  15. Not to mention, whiskey does bad, bad things to a penis.
  16. You don’t spend money on rent to stay at someone else’s apartment.
  17. He’s too old to get your jokes.
  18. You already got drunk, on your own dime.
  19. You’re wearing new tights.
  20. His underpants might have skid marks.
  21. You don’t understand a word coming out of his mouth.
  22. Your DVR has an episode of “True Blood” on it that will probs have hotter sex.
  23. He just needs a place to crash so he doesn’t drive home. That place should not be your vagina.
  24. You’re out of condoms.
  25. You just washed your hair.
  26. He works in your industry and you’ll have to hob knob, not just knob rub.
  27. Even if you get him to leave right away, a lil’ thing called oxytocin, or “the cuddle hormone,” is released after sex to bond you too him FOREVER.
  28. He lives with his mom.