Dear Wendy Updates: “Lucky In Love But Not In Money” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Lucky in Love But Not In Money” who was saving for a house and felt resentful that her friends only invited her to participate in pricey activities even after they skipped out on throwing her a bridal shower and bachelorette party for her recent marriage and didn’t spend enough on her for her wedding. After the jump, she shares a few words …

Some time has passed since you gave your advice and I thought I would write back to let you know how things were going. I’ll begin by addressing some points you made in your column and wrap up with how I’ve handled the situation. I think this approach will give you more insight into my predicament.

I’d like to begin by saying that I did not provide you with enough information or an accurate picture of the situation. If I had, perhaps your advice would have been more pertinent to me. Regarding the $200 bridesmaid dresses, I attempted to let my bridesmaids pick out their own, but after five failed attempts at picking out a dress and a close-approaching deadline on dress orders, I picked one for everyone. As a matter of fact, yes, they did skip on giving me and my husband a gift. Further, I was married on a Saturday in my hometown. All of my “friends” have 9-5, M-F jobs so there were no lost wages or travel costs associated, being that everyone lived within 20 miles of the chapel. The assertion that they spent a total of $200 was correct, being that I bought all jewelry, hair/makeup expenses, etc. This is truly a sting for me. You must understand no one suggested a girls night in or any other lightly priced occasion to celebrate my nuptials. How would you feel in my shoes, Wendy?

My use of the word “cancel” in regards to canceling plans on my friends was incorrect. I was never accepting invitations, rather I was declining and getting s**t for it. I was suggesting dinners in, rented movies, etc., to keep the friendship alive and give face time. These requests were ignored in favor of elaborate birthday parties, frequent high priced dinners out, and eventually the end of my being invited out. This was upsetting to me, because as you suggested, I was still dropping birthday cards and (lower priced) bottles of wine by their offices.

Moving on to my real issue, these girls could not host a shower, bachelorette party, find time to help me tie ribbons on programs, etc. with the excuse frequently falling on financial limitations. When a short two months later, they can afford to sit in VIP with bottle service? No, the issue was never about money, it was about them not wanting to be the kind of friend to me that I had been to them. It’s funny to me that when nights out and rounds at the bar were coming from my pocketbook, they were all about being my friend. When I needed them to stand beside me and support me in a once-in-a-lifetime event, they fell short. I resent them for this and I see the disparity between their brand of friendship and mine. Unfortunately, it took the matter of money to see this. As a result, I have taken a long, hard look at the people in my life and needless to say many have not made the cut. It’s difficult and I’m sometimes lonely, but I believe this is a positive sacrifice for me. As time passed, I realized the issue was never about my financial limitations, rather it was their inability to be a true friend to me.

Thanks for the update. Good for you for eliminating friendships from your life that you find toxic.

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at {encode=”[email protected]” title=”[email protected]”} with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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