33 Reasons I’m Still Single According To My Cell Phone

During a dry spell, we go through our man files, wondering if one of those past flings was the one who got away. And we think to ourselves, Oh, maybe I should just call him … Um, hell to the no! Unless you are currently the star of a Lifetime movie or Lady Gaga, we all know trying to turn back the romantic hands of time is a really bad idea. There’s a reason those guys are a part of your past and they need to stay that way. So, to stop myself from trying to re-do someone I’ve already done and walked away from, I started making notes of why we broke up in my cell phone contacts. You know, to keep the wound fresh and ensure I’ll never ring them again, no matter how many tequila shots I’ve had.

So, recently, when I got a new phone and transferred all my numbers over, I accidentally unearthed all these guy contacts that had been buried deep in my SIM card with the hilarious deal-breaking reason we broke it off. I thought I’d share with you these 33 reasons why I’m still single — and also why I’ve officially met my quota on guys named Mike. Enjoy!

  1. Adam: Thinks Harvard degree means free BJs
  2. Casey: Cute but dumb
  3. Charlie: Stood you up
  4. Darren: Is date-rapey
  5. Dan: Loves trance music
  6. Dave: Texted naked pic before 1st date
  7. Eric: Adult baby
  8. Fred: Thinks he’s going to be famous
  9. Gideon: Didn’t call you back
  10. Isaac: Lied about being a pizza-man
  11. Jack: Doesn’t like any bush
  12. Jason: Only likes you when drunk
  13. Jeff: Doesn’t care if you orgasm
  14. Jeremy: Gay now
  15. Jim: BFF with creepy Joe
  16. John: Spit on your boobs
  17. Jon: Has girlfriend he wants you to do too
  18. Kevin: Never again
  19. Luke: Cheater
  20. Matt: Mama’s boy
  21. Mike: Will never love you as much as his dog
  22. Mike (2): Wants skanks only
  23. Mike (3): Wants you to lose weight
  24. Nate: Walking UTI
  25. Neil: Date 2 mega awkies
  26. Nelson: Likes to stalk
  27. Paul: Idolizes Mike Tyson
  28. Richard: Is a weirdo
  29. Rob: Liar
  30. Ross: No moves
  31. Russ: Creepy eyes
  32. Salim: Too into you
  33. Tom: Sent mass Valentine’s Day text
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