During a dry spell, we go through our man files, wondering if one of those past flings was the one who got away. And we think to ourselves, Oh, maybe I should just call him … Um, hell to the no! Unless you are currently the star of a Lifetime movie or Lady Gaga, we all know trying to turn back the romantic hands of time is a really bad idea. There’s a reason those guys are a part of your past and they need to stay that way. So, to stop myself from trying to re-do someone I’ve already done and walked away from, I started making notes of why we broke up in my cell phone contacts. You know, to keep the wound fresh and ensure I’ll never ring them again, no matter how many tequila shots I’ve had.
So, recently, when I got a new phone and transferred all my numbers over, I accidentally unearthed all these guy contacts that had been buried deep in my SIM card with the hilarious deal-breaking reason we broke it off. I thought I’d share with you these 33 reasons why I’m still single — and also why I’ve officially met my quota on guys named Mike. Enjoy!
- Adam: Thinks Harvard degree means free BJs
- Casey: Cute but dumb
- Charlie: Stood you up
- Darren: Is date-rapey
- Dan: Loves trance music
- Dave: Texted naked pic before 1st date
- Eric: Adult baby
- Fred: Thinks he’s going to be famous
- Gideon: Didn’t call you back
- Isaac: Lied about being a pizza-man
- Jack: Doesn’t like any bush
- Jason: Only likes you when drunk
- Jeff: Doesn’t care if you orgasm
- Jeremy: Gay now
- Jim: BFF with creepy Joe
- John: Spit on your boobs
- Jon: Has girlfriend he wants you to do too
- Kevin: Never again
- Luke: Cheater
- Matt: Mama’s boy
- Mike: Will never love you as much as his dog
- Mike (2): Wants skanks only
- Mike (3): Wants you to lose weight
- Nate: Walking UTI
- Neil: Date 2 mega awkies
- Nelson: Likes to stalk
- Paul: Idolizes Mike Tyson
- Richard: Is a weirdo
- Rob: Liar
- Ross: No moves
- Russ: Creepy eyes
- Salim: Too into you
- Tom: Sent mass Valentine’s Day text
