I know all the baby books wax on about how the second trimester is the most amazing, because you’re high on estrogen and so horny that you’re likely to sexually assault strangers in the street. That your husband can expect a lot of sex out of you at this time and that you’re simply a joy to be around. Yes, that’s what the baby books say.
And perhaps that is the case for many women, but right now I would like to give credence to a group of women for whom the second trimester is not a three-month-long rave party. Rather, for these women the third trimester is where they finally come into their own, find inner peace and start to truly relax and enjoy their pregnancy. If you are among this group then you will know just what I mean. Your ankles are the size of fish tanks and sloshing with about as much water and you can’t stand upright for more than a few minutes at a time, but you are rewarded with advantages that far outweigh any physical discomfort. Advantages such as these:
- First and most important of all, you can finally relax and not worry about baby’s health, as baby may be born at any time now and have a full chance of survival. No amount of second trimester horniness can trump that.
- The regular kicking serves as a constant reminder that the baby is alive. Now you are truly aware of being pregnant, rather than just looking pregnant and feeling fat.
- You have long given up trying to figure out what portion of your new weight gain is you and what is baby and are most likely just enjoying those desserts and shelving your guilt until after the birth.
- It doesn’t matter if you’ve had a heavy meal and feel bloated because you don’t look any different than you did before the meal. So there really isn’t any point in allowing the bloatedness to depress you, as it probably did your whole life.
- Everyone smiles at you and offers congratulations. Random strangers start up conversations and some even confide their life stories. So what if you can’t see your feet, you wouldn’t want to anyway. The world is smiling at you, smile back!
- Finally and best of all, there are no expectations of you, you don’t even have to lift a finger. Now come on, ladies, don’t tell me you don’t quickly get used to taking cabs everywhere, to being invited to the front of every line and of course to having first dibs on the last empty chair. We all yearn to feel special, and the third trimester finally gives you a taste of how sweet life is when you actually can be special.
The only downside to the third trimester is that it is only three months long. Frankly, I wish it would last forever!
In comparison, trimesters one and two are pure hell and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Trimester one is all about the fear of miscarriage, accompanied by what I can only describe as progesterone psychosis. Progesterone being the hormone responsible for PMS that makes you want to chase your husband around the room with a knife. In a nutshell, trimester one is three months of pure, intense and unrelenting PMS. I am certain that women’s prisons are filled with perfectly reasonable females whose dead husbands made the fatal mistake of switching on ESPN during that critical and badly misunderstood time. Not only that, but at this time, generally no one but you knows that you’re pregnant so you end up going through all this mental torture on your own.
Trimester two doesn’t get any better, except of course, for all those women who annoy the rest of us by claiming to have transformed into sex fiends overnight. You might be feeling less bloodthirsty, but now you find yourself anxiously waiting for the first moment when baby will kick and you won’t have to call the doctor day and night to inform them that clearly it’s died. It certainly doesn’t help to be bombarded by pregnancy propaganda that dictates that you are supposed to feel ecstatic, energetic and sex-crazed on account of progesterone being replaced by oodles of estrogen. With a thickening waistline and an imaginary dead baby inside, happy and sexy can be very hard to conjure up at this time.
And then finally, after six long months of mental and physical anguish, you graduate to the third trimester. And you are literally blooming. The world smiles at you and a calm descends upon you. You also realize that the world is full of morons because your baby is never safer and you are never happier. No more progesterone psychosis, no more fear for baby’s life, but because everyone can see that you’re pregnant they decide that now is the time to dish out the special treatment.
Well, my advice to you ladies is to MILK IT. Milk it to make up for trimesters one and two when you really needed the sensitivity of others but it was not forthcoming. Milk it as a reward to yourself and your baby for surviving that cruel first trimester where everything can go wrong yet no one was prepared to give up a seat or let you get away with a soul-crushing insult or two. Milk it because it is only three months long and when baby comes you will no longer be entitled to special treatment, downgrading from most important person in the room to social nuisance with noise-making brat. Milk it because the third trimester really is the best time of your life.