Dear Wendy: “My Friend Set Me Up With A Sizeist Jerk”

Through a friend, I got the email and phone number of a guy who does home repairs. My cousin needed work done on her house, but never had much time to make arrangements, so I made the appointments for her. The work was done wonderfully and at a great price, so I sent an email thanking him and praising his work, using a lot of specifics. He sent an email saying he was impressed by my knowledge of construction. I responded that my father had been a carpenter. He sent me his IM information, and we began chatting. He asked me out after a couple of weeks and we made plans to meet up for a movie. I told him I would be wearing jeans and a green top. He said I probably looked really good in size 3 jeans. I never said I wore a size 3 and replied that I actually wear a size 14. Now I’m healthy, and few would consider me fat. My jean size is due to big hips and a big butt. I got an IM later that night saying he didn’t date fat girls. He went on to say that they where disgusting and when I went down a few sizes he would consider going out with me again.

I was shocked at his statement. I cut off all contact, and just wrote him out of my life. My problem came a little later when my friend Emily set me up on a blind date. On the date, we ended up talking about our jobs. I had a suspicion, so I asked for his number at the end of the date. It was the same jerk! The next day at lunch, I told Emily I wouldn’t be seeing him again. When asked why, I said it was because we didn’t click. When I talked to her the next day, she told me she had set our friend Sue up with the guy. Sue is a beautiful girl, with a big heart and fun personality. She is also a bit larger than a size 14. If I had known Emily would pass him on to Sue, I would have told her what a jerk the guy was. I don’t want Sue to get hurt, but I don’t know how to approach this. Please help! — Proud Size 14

I usually save shortcut responses for the weekend, but this was one I felt had to be addressed immediately. The correct response when your friend Emily asked why you didn’t want to see the Repair Guy again, PS14, was the truth, precisely so this situation wouldn’t happen. There was no need for you to protect Repair Guy’s feelings or reputation. He’s a jerk, and since Emily obviously isn’t aware of that side of him, she should be clued in so she stops setting him up with unsuspecting friends. So, tell Emily now. Drop whatever you’re doing, call her up and tell her exactly why you don’t care to see him again. I’d also be a little concerned that he wants a “woman” who wears size 3 jeans, since odd numbers are reserved for juniors clothes. Perhaps our Repair Guy isn’t after a small woman, after all, but in fact is looking for a little girl. Tell Emily, stat.

I met this guy over seven years ago at the beach. We had a wonderful week together and continued to talk until we lost contact. Last year around this time I found him again! I went to visit him in May and we ended up falling in love. So, I broke up with my fiancé, and moved six hours away from home with him and his brother. We started to have some problems — huge amounts of jealousy on his end and trust issues (his). Well, I never got over my ex so I ended up seeing him in July and I slept with him, because I had to see if there was something still there. I regretted it and felt AWFUL for what I did.

I returned back to my boyfriend and he found out I cheated on him. He wanted to break it off with me, but I insisted that we stay together saying things would be great, blah blah blah. Now, he checks on my every move, calls me names, like “whore,” “slut,’ etc. I’m not allowed to wear certain clothes, or go out with anybody but him. He thinks I sleep with every guy I meet just because of my past partying and wild ways. He then started to smack me when I’d make him mad. I told my family everything and they showed up one day and made me go back with them. I didn’t get to say goodbye to him and just that very day before, I told him that I was not leaving and was going to stay. He came home from work to find all of my stuff gone. But yet he STILL wanted me back! So, against my family, I moved back to be with him. Meanwhile, my ex wants me back! He’s been waiting for me and I think I do still love him, but I’m not sexually attracted to him like I am my boyfriend (the sex with him is AMAZING!!!)

But, all that aside, my family hates my boyfriend and wants me back home. I really do love him though, but being away from my family is killing me. Plus, I still love me ex. And did I mention that I can get my career started back home, not where I am now? I keep telling him to come and move with me, but he gets mad and says no. WTF do I do? Do I leave and go back home, still in love with my boyfriend, and try to get back together with my ex, since he can offer me the life I want? Or, do I stay and miss my family, loose my ex forever, and not have my dream career. Please help me!! — Torn in Half

Why is this about choosing between two men? How about choosing your emotional well-being? How about instead of hoping your ex can provide the life you want, you work on creating that life for yourself? Women are capable of making really wonderful lives for themselves without the help of male partners.

I don’t know enough about you to say whether you’ve lost yourself somewhere along the way to pursuing these relationships — to have lost yourself would mean you once knew who, what and where you were — but from what I do know about you, it’s abundantly clear that you’re in serious need of finding yourself. And that’s not going to happen if you keep making these guys and your chase for what you think is love but isn’t really love at all your main focus.

Focus on you, instead. Move back home with your family; break it off with both guys and get your life and head back in order. Go see a therapist. Pursue your career. And be grateful you have a wonderful family who is so supportive of you. When you know who you are and have a direction in life that isn’t solely focused on some guy, you’ll be in a much, much better place to be a loving and committed partner to someone. Until that happens, you’ll always feel like you’re chasing your tail around in circles.

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