Dear Wendy: “Are Some People Meant To Be Single Forever?”
It’s time again for “Shortcuts.” For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss being anti-relationships, dealing with a roommate’s bad dating choices, and how to read a math major.
Do you think some people are meant to be single? I’m 23, and I’ve never been on a date, let alone been asked on a date. I’ve hung out with a few guys here and there but it never really amounted to anything more than heavy petting. My attitude about dating has changed quite a bit over the years; I go from wanting to be in a relationship to thinking it would be a complete waste of my time and energy. I’ve found that I am quite comfortable being by myself and I tend to get irritated when I don’t get what I consider to be adequate alone time.
Well, recently, a guy from work has shown some interest and we exchanged numbers. And I’ve texted him a bit in an effort to try and get to know him, but I just feel as if the whole thing is such a huge effort — like trying to make sense of certain things he says or what I am saying is appropriate or not. My friends keep telling me that I am a perfect catch and that I am being completely lazy about dating and that I need to make more of an effort. But I just don’t feel interested in making the effort or that being in a relationship is for me. Is that normal? Are some people just meant to be alone? — Loving Alone Time
It’s possible you’re asexual and not “turned on” or interested in intimacy the way other people are, which is totally fine. It’s also possible that at 23 you simply haven’t met someone who interests you enough to put the effort into fostering a relationship, which is also completely fine. If you’re comfortable with your status and it isn’t something that bothers you, tell you friends to mind their own business and go on enjoying your solitude and all that energy you’ve saved by not playing the exhausting dating game.
I have a roommate who recently broke up with her boyfriend of five years. According to her, the breakup was mutual. However, her ex calls at least once a day just to say ‘hi’ and see how everything is despite her telling him that he needs to quit calling. She also confided in me that he has it in his head that once he gets settled with a new job they will get back together. My roommate isn’t sure how to get the message across to him and have him leave her alone without being completely insensitive. Any tips? — Friendly Roommate
The kindest thing she can do is to stop taking his calls and stop letting him believe there’s a spark of a chance for reconciliation. She’s actually being more insensitive by leading him on than she would be by letting him go and making herself inaccessible to him.
Last year I lived with a girl, “Sarah,” who had a volatile relationship with her boyfriend, “David.” He cheated on her multiple times, they would get in screaming fights and the police interfered multiple times. Needless to say, I moved out and now live with three different girls. One of my new roommates, “Celine,” now dates David, against the advice of many of our friends. I recently found out that David was pulling the same stuff with Celine that he did with Sarah – cheating on her with two different girls and causing all kinds of drama. I’ve told her about his indiscretions and how I don’t think he’s a good guy but she still continues to date him. I’m really worried about her and irritated by his presence in my house. Should I just drop it and learn to deal with losing another friend over this jerk or continue to try and get through to her? — Concerned Friend and Roomie
I appreciate your desire to protect your friend from getting hurt, but, unfortunately, your friend has to learn her lessons on her own. The only reason you’d lose Celine as a friend is if you keep pushing her to make decisions she isn’t ready to make, so let her discover for herself what a jerk David is. And if you want to avoid the drama David might bring to your own life, I’d suggest moving out and finding male roommates next time.
I am a junior in college and about a month ago one of my housemates held a party. One guy in particular stood out to me. We talked for quite a long time. He’s a math major and a little weird but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. He didn’t try to make a move (and I would not have been receptive to a hook-up request anyways). Since then, I’ve learned that he lives down the street from me and we run into each other from time to time. A few days ago, I bumped into him and we talked for a bit before parting ways. I remembered just after going into my house that I had baked brownies the night before and should have invited him in for them. I got on Facebook basically right away and he was on chat so I invited him over, and he came over. We talked a little more, he complimented my cooking (they weren’t great … I burnt the sides!). He jokingly told me that he had only come over to visit my cat and when he was ready to leave gave me a hug. Besides these two gestures I think there was flirting between the two of us, but I’m not sure.
I haven’t spoken to him or run into him since. I have seen him on Facebook chat but have avoided the temptation of messaging him. Basically, what I would like to know is should I move on? Or give him some more time to make a move? He’s had plenty of chances to ask for my number or to hang out, but he hasn’t. I’m not used to boys not being direct; all the guys in my past have made a move pretty quickly. — Relationship Rusher
He sounds shy and a little inexperienced (uh, he is a math major, after all). I say the next time you see him in person, ask if he wants to go out sometime for pizza or whatever. If he says yes, give him your number and tell him to call you up to set up the details (so he gets the idea it’s a “date,” and he has a chance to take the lead in making the plans). If he says “no,” or has some excuse, you probably have your answer about him and should move on.
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