Shun, Shag, Or Marry: Kim Kardashian’s Rumored Lovahs Edition

Poor Kim Kardashian can’t so much as breathe in a guy’s ear without the media claiming she’s dating him. It’s only been a month since she broke up with NFL star Miles Austin and she’s already been linked to a slew of unlikely suitors! And while some of these guys make her ex-boyfriend Reggie Bush look like an actual saint, we’re still looking out for Kim’s best interests. So we’ve figured out which guys she should shun, shag, or marry. Just in case she’s actually interested in any of them and needs a second opinion. We’re helpful like that.
SHUN: Chris Brown
Even though Kim claims that she “literally laughed out loud” at the rumors that she was dating Chris Brown. Apparently, the rumor was started by one of Brown’s friends (presumably in an attempt to make it seem like Brown is still relevant in pop culture) but it’s still important for us to speak our peace. And there is no way in hell anyone is going to get away with dating Chris Brown any time soon. He’s been blacklisted and Kim knows as well as anyone that dating a woman-beater would not only potentially lead to abuse but it would also lead to feminist scorn. And need I mention that Chris is nearly a decade younger than Kim?! She might be more than OK with turning 30, but that doesn’t mean that she’s OK with dating someone who was just a year away from being born in the 90s. Shun. Shun. Shun. [E! Online]

SHAG: John Mayer
Multiple sources say that John Mayer and Kim Kardashian went out with a group of people in New York, to “see if there was any chemistry.” But Mayer took to Twitter to write, “I see @kimkardashian at Sirius/XM and say hello like a gentleman and you want to spin a story at my expense? [Bleep] you!” meanwhile Kim’s friend said that Kim thinks John is a “really cool guy.” First of all, of course there was chemistry, we’re talking about two wildly attractive sex muppets, I’m sure they got along swell. But that doesn’t mean they’re dating. They might be schtupping, but dating is almost out of the question. Of course they would make beautiful babies and John would be a great addition to “Keeping up with the Kardashians,” but it seems terribly unlikely that these two would even get along. John’s a heartbreaker and Kim always gets screwed over by the bad boys, so let’s just keep this to a romp and perhaps a music video collab. There is no need to drag this out since they’re both loving the single life and, let’s be honest, sometimes you have to sleep with someone just because you can. [NY Post, TMZ]

MARRY: Sean Parker
First of all, it’s really important to note that Sean Parker is not the money-hungry aggressor Justin Timberlake played in “The Social Network.” That was a character. Sure, he might still be an arrogant party animal, but it’s more important to note that he’s a genius. And if idiot rock stars can get away with irresponsible party behavior, shouldn’t someone who has changed the entire face of the internet (twice with both Napster and Facebook) be allowed some indulgences? Kim and Sean just met at Denise Rich’s Angel Ball, but according to Sean’s people, “there was no exchange of numbers.” As if numbers are relevant to famous people.

But I think that Sean and Kim would make an interesting couple! They’re both extremely business-savvy, self-made millionaires with a knack for social networks. Besides, Kim needs to stop dating athletes ’cause there’s nothing sexy about tailgate parties or following an athlete around the country. And while Sean might not be Justin Timberlake, he does dress well, donates a lot of money to causes he cares about and is extremely loyal. I think that a union between these two could be mutually beneficial: Kim can help Sean with his social graces and Sean can lure out Kim’s intelligence and teach her how to talk really fast. Besides, with Kim Kardashian’s bone structure and Sean Parker’s smarts, they could start a sophisticated master race and take over the internet world.