I suppose that after surviving so many near-death experiences, Ozzy Osbourne might not be the worst choice to be a health/diet/life advice columnist. But he certainly can’t be the best choice, either. Given the fact that he’s barely coherent in speaking, perhaps writing is a good route? He’ll be doing just that for Rolling Stone magazine after already getting a deal with the U.K.’s Sunday Times. In his first column, Ozzy told a vertigo sufferer to “go to bed, drink only water, then get up and walk around in circles for a bit. If you’re still dizzy, let me know.” He also added, “I thought I had vertigo… I went to the doctor, and he said, ‘Mr. Osbourne, the problem—as far as I can tell—is simply that you’re very, very drunk.” Yeah, it’s going to be frickin awesome. [Starpulse]
In celebration of Ozzy’s new venture, we took a look back at some of the other hilarious celebrity advice columnists after the jump.
- You’d think Ashley Dupre was lucky enough for getting to have sex with New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. (Just kidding!) But the 24-year-old also got hired to write a weekly advice column for the New York Post, dealing with relationship and sex questions specifically. Dupre announced her new career path in a video, explaining, “I used to be on the front page of the New York Post. Now, I’m writing for it… Take it from me, someone who could have used a little advice in the past—there’s nothing better than learning from someone else’s experiences.” You can’t really argue with that logic but it does make me kinda nervous that people feel they need to go to a call girl for relationship advice. [MSNBC]
- I suppose after enduring a 14-year marriage to Donald Trump, Ivana Trump probably knows a lot about dealing with strong personalities and not going insane. The former Olympian/model wrote an advice column for supermarket tabloid Globe for another 14 years. Apparently, it was one of the tabloid’s most popular features, but after Ivana had a meltdown on an airplane, they pulled her column for a week and Ivana quit. She wrote in her parting column, “There are two sides to every story, so try to remain open-minded.” Hopefully, she’s saving up all the advice to take out on her ex-husband’s haircut. [Page 2 Live]
- Khia Chambers, the rapper/singer most famous for the scandalous song “My Neck, My Back (Lick It),” was given an advice column on Vibe.com where she gives kind of intense sex advice to her readers, like incorporating candy canes into your sexual repertoire (in order to smell like peppermint instead of “fish heads”). She wrote to one reader, “Plain sex is so boring. Get all dressed up. Roleplay is the ultimate. Everyone’s into this threesome thing, but there’s no way there’s going to be another woman with my man because I’ma beat you and drag you… Guys always go to the strip club because you bitches are boring in the bedroom…” I guess if you are looking for tame advice, go elsewhere. [Tabloid Prodigy]
- It felt like Radar magazine jumped the shark when they hired Spencer Pratt to write an advice column. But his words of wisdom were surprisingly … wise? One reader wrote about getting wasted, peeing the bed and running out of her boyfriend’s apartment. Pratt responded, “Wow! This is a situation you do not want to find yourself in. I personally would never want to be with a girl who gets so wasted that she’s pissing in bed. It’s time to sign up for AA, my dear, because drunks are not sexy.” I guess I kind of just thought he was going to make fun of her? [Gossip Boulevard]