Dear Wendy Updates: “Not Sure About Children” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Not Sure About Children” the 24-year-old who was engaged to someone who didn’t want children, but, as her name suggests, hadn’t yet made up her mind whether she wanted them or not. After the jump, find out if she’s still engaged and whether she’s any closer to making a decision about kids.

Update time! First of all thank you and all the people who commented on the thread. It was really nice to hear from so many different perspectives. A special thanks for your unbiased answer.
Right after I read your reply I realized that I could break my question into two parts: 1. Do I want to have children? 2. Do I want to have my children instead of, say, adopting?

Question 2 was really very easy to answer. I don’t want to have biological children. I had cancer when I was 18 and my body has been through so much chemo and radiation that I don’t know what damage has been already done. I have a super big cyst that my doctor, my oncologist and my OBGYN are worried about. Also PCOS runs in my family. You see, having my own baby might have some obstacles associated with it and so I think the biological clock will not affect me. And it’s OK. I am not sad about it. If I want a baby I will adopt (which takes me to my first question). I thought about it the entire weekend. I wanted to decide quick but, well, like you said, I couldn’t come to a definite conclusion.

My fiancé noticed that I was deep in thought and finally asked me if something was wrong. It took me about 45 minutes to tell him between long silences a few sobs (I don’t know why I was crying; I just felt a little lost) that I was not sure about wanting children and what if I want to have children in the future when we are married. I also said something like what if I feel that my life feels incomplete without children. He thought for about 10 minutes and then he said if I feel that I was not happy because I did not have children, he would let me make the decision and support me. He said if I am at that stage in my life we will have children. He said that his decision was not final and that our happiness was more important than anything. I am happy with the way things have turned out. We have a plan and we are open to different options and we have time.

Here are a few things I wanted to say after I read the comments. We both have good jobs and a house. We plan to get married next fall. So we have lots of time. I will be 25 and my fiancé will be 28. I don’t think we are all that young as a couple. Also, the reason I had a “P.S.: I am really good with kids” was just to let you know that I like kids in case that in any way be an indication as to what I would want in my future.

Anyway, thank you all again. — Still Not Sure About Children

Thanks for the update, and best of luck to you and your fiancé as you plan your wedding and your future together!

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at {encode=”” title=””} with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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