Dear Wendy Updates: “Over-Thinker” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from Over-Thinker, the college girl who returned to school after a carefree summer break to find that her relationship with her boyfriend wasn’t so great with the added stress of school. They were hardly seeing each other and doing most of their communicating via text. One day he even told her (by text, of course) that the only reason someone would date her is to have consistent sex. He later apologized and said he didn’t mean it, but was that enough for Over-Thinker?

I thought long and hard about whether I would respond to your advice and all of the people who commented on my post. I have decided to respond to clear up some of the assumptions people were making about my life and relationship. The first thing that bothered me was that a couple of the comments alluded to the fact I sat around all summer and did nothing. If that was the case, my ex and I would have had time to see each other. I was working and taking classes. I only used the term “carefree” because summer has that sort of relaxing effect on people (or that is just my opinion). I was working long hours and studying for the entire summer, but when I did have a minute sitting in the sunshine and was able to enjoy summer it had a carefree relaxing effect on me.

The second was that some of the people that commented that college is not stressful. I am working and taking maximum credit hours and participating in a leadership program. This time that I am living right now is very stressful for me. Maybe later I will realize that this time was comparably less stressful, but I cannot see into the future. At the moment I see my life as very stressful and overwhelming, so adding a relationship caused even more strain. We are both working through college. The third was that I was withholding sex to be mean and vindictive towards my ex. I was withholding sex not because he didn’t call me back fast enough, it was because he made me feel like all I was worth was for my body. I felt like an object he could pick up and throw around whenever he needed stress relief or just a good time without caring how I felt. I’m NOT a blowup doll!

Fourth, I would like to add an update that before this advice was posted I had broken up with my boyfriend. The part that solidified the end of the relationship was this: He texted me while I was studying for a big test and said “Hey babe, I need some good sex tonight and a good nights sleep for my exam tomorrow ; )” I told him that I still didn’t feel comfortable with having sex but he could come over and we could study together. He refused saying he would sleep at home that night. He chose to stay home because I wouldn’t have sex with him to “relax” him and refused to just spend time with me when he could have. I decided that it was true about what he said and it wasn’t worth it to be in that kind of relationship.

Good for you for breaking up with the cad. Hopefully, you’ll have more time and energy now to devote to your busy schedule and when you do meet someone else you’ll have a better idea whether he’s truly interested in you for who you are, not how you can sexually gratify him.

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at {encode=”[email protected]” title=”[email protected]”} with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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