“The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills”: This Is Your Face On Botulism

I didn’t think it was possible to top the madness that is those bitches in New Jersey, but “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” may have done it. Last night’s premiere was seriously off-the-hook. Where do I even begin? Oh, how about with the plastic surgery disaster above with Taylor, who paid a visit to Adrienne’s husband for a little botulism. Susannah has informed me that she suspects Taylor isn’t getting the usual Botox, but Dysport, another brand of the stuff that causes those weird facial bubbles you see. Apparently it goes away after 30 minutes, which is a relief, because I am pretty sure that would be the end of Taylor and Adrienne’s friendship.

But temporary facial deformities were only the beginning of the hot mess that was “RHBH”! More, after the jump …This here is Lisa and her dog Gigolo, aka Jiggy. Yes, this woman has a dog named “male prostitute,” which really isn’t weird to me considering my dog Lucca’s middle name is “Harlot.” (No, it’s not.) Anyway, Lisa is my favorite so far because, though she is married, she has allowed her young, sexy, foreign personal trainer, Cedric, to move in with them. She claims he is gay, and maybe he is, but I also think he could be straight for pay.

We also have Camille Grammer, who, at the time of taping, was happily married to Kelsey Grammer, though she’d like you to believe she’s really known for being a professional dancer. Where? At da club? She has two kids and four nannies. Kelsey Grammer strikes me as really disgusting and sleazy (and I hated “Frasier”), but this chick is just deplorable. It will be hard to muster up any sympathy for her when Kelsey ends their marriage later in the season.

Last but not least, we have sisters Kim and Kyle Richards, who are delusional enough to believe that they are famous for being “former child stars” and their “acting,” and not for being Paris Hilton’s aunts. Kyle is happily married with four kids, while Kim also has four kids but is divorced. This latter fact seems to have created a bit of resentment between the two that’s sure to boil over later this season. Frankly, when Paris Hilton’s aunts are the least disastrous and detestable of the bunch, you know you have a winning reality TV show.

Cannot. Wait. For next week.