Dear Wendy Updates: “The Homewrecker” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “The Homewrecker,” whose boyfriend cheated on his ex to be with her and was planning to go to a party she wasn’t invited to where said ex would be. “My issue is,” she wrote, “that as a sign of loyalty, I think my boyfriend should not go to this event that I am actively being excluded from. I fear that he hasn’t made much of an effort to ask the host if I can attend, and my suspicion is that he really wants to go to see his ex and scope out her new boyfriend.” So, did he ask the host if his girlfriend could attend? Did they go to the party together? Did he go alone, or did he skip the whole thing altogether? Find out after the jump.

I suppose I didn’t explain the situation properly and while this doesn’t excuse my boyfriend’s previous cheating it goes a way to explain why I am now with him. When we first met he was with the ex and he had already decided that their relationship was over. He was waiting for her exams to be over to break it off as it would have added stress to her situation and could have had an impact on her final results. She insisted on taking a break over this period and while he saw this as a break from the relationship, she saw it as taking space for a week or so with the intention of getting back together after her exams. My boyfriend and I got together at this time and while some people may consider this cheating — myself included — in his mind he wasn’t cheating. He accepts that it was cheating, but at the time this wasn’t his intention.

Needless to say when I found out about the “break” and the fact that the previous relationship hadn’t been broken off fully, I left him and stayed single for about a month seeing him only in social situations where it couldn’t be avoided. He asked me out eventually and since then he’s never so much as looked at another girl. We’ve been together 12 months and while I truly believe that he changed and it was a one time thing, I also think it is naive to think that you will never get hurt again. Yes, I suffered a lot from the situation and still deal with my trust issues a year later, but this relationship has the potential to last and that’s why I asked Wendy for advice on what to do. Girlfriends are not so reliable to ask in these situations as mine generally just agree with me because they would react in the same way if it was them.

Now back to the weekend’s party. I took Wendy’s advice and decided not to pick this battle to fight. He decided he wouldn’t go after all, after seeing that it made me uncomfortable, but I told him he shouldn’t not go just because I was uncomfortable. I suggested I would drive him (during my study breaks) and pick him up, even helping to pick out something for him to wear. He took me out to lunch as a thank you for being understanding but during lunch he was messaged and told he was no longer welcome as the ex decided she didn’t want him there. He was disappointed so I couldn’t be too happy that it had all worked out in my favor. Thanks for the great advice, Wendy. The way you simplified everything was helpful and it really helped me gain perspective. Thanks everybody for the comments too!

PS. For the record, I did not sign my letter “the homewrecker” because that’s not a label I would ever assign myself or another person particularly when I don’t know the specifics of the situation.

Thanks for the update! Sorry I called you “homewrecker. You aren’t a homewrecker and with the added details you included in this update, that’s obvious. Best of luck to you and your boyfriend!

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at {encode=”[email protected]” title=”[email protected]”} with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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