Things In His House That Make Me Sad: His Lone, Off-Brand Cotton Swab

Welcome to “Things In His House That Make Me Sad,” a regular series from the blog Shmitten Kitten that we’ll be featuring on The Frisky, about the stuff seen in so many guys’ apartments that just make you shake your head and sigh.

When I asked him for a Q-tip, he said, “Sorry, babe. I don’t have any.” Frankly, a bathroom without Q-tips is a bathroom I don’t wanna be in. I have needs that can only be met with a firm stick with cotton tightly wound on both sides. I have eyeliner to correct. I have mascara smeared under my eyebrow I have to wipe away. I have an itch in my ear THAT NEEDS TO BE SCRATCHED.He searched around for a bit and found a cotton swab at the bottom of an errant drawer, swimming amongst disposable razors and crusty bottles of stinky shaving cream. It was slightly damp, but he presented it to me beaming like he’d just found Chester Copperpot’s treasure map.

I examined the swab closely. The cotton was all loosy goosey, totally uninterested in wiping away any kind of product from my face. And, it was wispy, like a Norwegian preteen’s leg hair. Clearly, this was an off-brand swab. A Q-tip always stands at attention, ready for the job. Off-brand cotton swabs are limp, like they’d go AWOL at the first sign of trouble. There was no way it was going to scratch my itchy ear successfully.

Under his watchful gaze, I loaded it in. Immediately, it bent into a 90 degree angle. I felt like I had a weak cotton crank jutting out of my skull. It basically committed suicide in my ear canal because it failed at the one thing it’s designed to do. And, that just made me sad.

Anna Goldfarb is the voice behind the hilarious blog Shmitten Kitten.

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