8 Things Guys Really Don’t Want You To Do In Bed

A few years ago, I made a big bedroom faux pas. I was hooking up with this guy — a friend/professional acquaintance — in my bedroom, giving him a little oral pleasure. He, uh, came to fruition in my mouth and as I was not yet advanced in the art of swallowing, I sat up immediately and spat the spunk right back on him. Needless to say, we never hooked up again — not that I wanted to. He tasted funky.

The lesson learned: swallow or don’t swallow, but seriously, pick one and stick to it. Because dudes don’t want you spitting out their manly fluids on or anywhere around them. After the jump, I polled some fellas I know about what else they don’t want a woman to do during sex. 1. Cry: With the exception being “crying out in ecstasy,” nearly every dude I spoke to is turned off by shedding tears pre-, mid-, or post-coitus.

2. Make Animal Noises: Specifically, said one dude, “Making mouse noises.” I’m trying to figure out what sound a mouse makes out of its tiny mouse mouth, but I guess no meeping or mewing. Anyway, basically all animals noises are a no-no, except for maybe a sexy “meow.” Definitely not an oink or a neigh.

3. Close The Back Door: OK, so yes, most dudes — and by most, I mean all except that one guy — would like to stick it in your butt. If you don’t want to do anal, by all means, DON’T. I tried it once and it made me want cry, which, I’ll remind you, dudes don’t like (see #1). Anyway, no, I’m not talking about anal sex here. I’m talking about anal play. As one guy put it, “Don’t stop me from licking your butthole.” Listen, ladies, if he is headed there on his own, he knows what he’s in for, and by all means, you should let him have at it. Let him toss your freaking salad already. You just might enjoy it.

4. Break The Skin: As my friend Ted* put it, “Nibbles are great, bites that leave a mark, no thanks.” Hickeys should be left in high school.

5. Dry Jobs: Cotton-mouthed blow jobs and lube-less handjobs “should never ever ever be on the menu,” said Dan*.

6. Don’t Ask, Just Do: A handsome friend of mine, let’s call him Rory*, gave me this piece of advice, which I’ll personally take to heart: “Don’t make me ask for doggy,” he said. “Just roll over onto all fours and initiate it. You know it’s our favorite.” I’m sure a command wouldn’t hurt either — “f**k me from behind.” Oh, I just got a little tingle just typing that.

7. Call Him “Daddy”: He’s also not your brother, your uncle, or your pop-pop. Invoking a family member — “Oh, yes, Daddy!” — will ensure that you’ll never actually meet one in real life.

8. Slap Or Spank Without Permission: I was dating a guy with whom I had a sort of mellow dom/sub sexytime rapport with and, though I enjoyed the spanking and dirty talking, I was caught way off guard when, out of the blue, mid-romp, he gave me a light slap in the face. Killed the mood. This goes double for dudes, as it’s less socially acceptable for men to be the submissive ones — it’s even riskier getting rough with them without permission.

*Names changed