Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Teen Mom Galore? Prince William Getting Married?

Tabloids are having a bit of a dark week, so don’t expect celebrity vacation photos and conversations about fuchsia lipstick. Instead, the mags are breaking out specials about the dangers of bullying and Michael Douglas losing his battle to cancer. Of course, there are still the big issues, like Audrina Patridge’s boyfriend and how Carrie Underwood’s marriage is doing. So you won’t use the whole box of tissues. After the jump, we handpicked the gossip mags’ must-know news.

  • Star Magazine is brimming with pessimism this week, claiming that Michael Douglas is losing his battle with throat cancer and probably reaching his last days. Catherine Zeta Jones is said to be emotional and canceling future movie roles and appearances to spend every moment with her husband. With the fight against cancer being a partially mental one, I have to imagine no one in the Douglas family is appreciating this article, especially when the sources are unnamed or doctors that aren’t even treating Michael. These “professionals” are putting Douglas’ survival rate at 20 percent, but I put it at shut the hell up.
  • I am ecstatic that Neil Patrick Harris and his boyfriend David Burka are expecting twins via a surrogate, and jealous that I am not one of those kids. But apparently this isn’t David’s first time as a father. Burka already is the daddy to two kids with ex Lane Janger, whom he spilt with in 2004. He started dating NPH shortly after. Janger says for some time after their split, David stayed devoted to their two now 9-year-olds. But today, Burka’s only contact with the kids is a few phone calls a week and presents on their birthday. Let’s hope the past doesn’t repeat itself with Neil. But even if it does, I am sure NPH would make a great single dad.
  • Audrina Patridge’s boyfriend, Corey Bohan, hit up Star to break some big news. He told the mag that after Audrina’s time on “Dancing With The Stars,” he plans to take her to “a tropical island if she wins—and there might even be a ring.” Whoa, buddy, isn’t that news you might want to run by Miss Partridge before going to the press? Apparently not. Bohan seems sure that they will spend their lives together whether Audrina wins or not, especially after they have made their relationship work with Audrina’s demanding “DTWS” schedule. [Star Magazine]

  • OK, so I must of have been hibernating the day that Prince William and Kate Middleton not only got engaged but set a date for their wedding. Good thing Life & Style has all the assumed information I could ever want. The couple is said to be getting married in June 2012 right before the Summer Olympics in London. Sources say they want a much smaller affair than Diana and Charles’ nuptials, but still are planning on some high-profile guests, including Diddy, Elton John, and Rod Stewart. Kate is supposedly looking for a modern wedding gown by a British designer, but nothing nearly as ornate as the 25-foot train Diana sported. Well, I guess we can all sit back and wait for our invitations now.
  • “Teen Mom” has been in the tabloids pretty constantly over the past few weeks and I have just been ignoring it. But now that mom Amber Portwood is the subject of a domestic violence investigation, I think “Teen Mom” needs a little attention. The show has aired several physical fights between Amber and her fiance Gary Shirley—in one episode, she punched Gary in the head. As a result police have started an off-screen investigation. Officials have also gotten Child Services involved because they are worried that Amber may turn her anger against 2-year-old daughter Leah. Whether the investigation will end in Portwood losing her child or not, friends and family agree that the mom needs to seek help to deal with her rage.
  • It must be one of the great unspoken Hollywood laws that if you’re a female star who goes through a big breakup, rumors of you dating your bodyguard will soon follow. Sandra Bullock is the latest celeb to fall into this cycle. Her bodyguard Damian Holton is being labeled as the only constant in Sandra’s life, and is becoming a sort of surrogate father for Louis. Insiders say Damian and Bullock are getting very close, causing some to worry that Holton is too infatuated with Sandra to do his job. Obsessive love is a lot to decode from a few shots of a man carrying a car seat. [Life & Style]

  • Well, now that you have a taste of “Teen Mom,” here is your overload on the show. Us Weekly has an update on how the four moms are doing and what to expect from the finale. Maci Bookout says that she is staying in Nashville permanently and is sure she will marry boyfriend Kyle King, but is in no rush to do so. Amber Portwood has started going to counseling for her anger issues and hope others have learned from her poor actions on the show. Farrah Abraham went on a blind date set up by her mom but says that she is not ready to see anyone seriously. And Catelynn Lowell defends her mom’s mean demeanor saying that she never received the right amount of love as a child. Now you are all caught up and probably feeling much better.
  • Jersey Shore“‘s Angelina Pivarnick went to Us to tell her side of the story about leaving the show again after a marinara sauce-flinging, clothes-tearing fight. Angelina claims that MTV never truly showed how the rest of housemates tormented her including calling her a “dirty hamster,” covering her bed in olive oil and grated chase, and constantly teasing her about being fat. May I suggest staying away from the show for good this time?
  • Angelina Jolie is finally being praised for mothering skills, instead of being harassed about turning Shiloh into a boy or whatever. Jolie is taking care of her band of tots while Brad Pitt finishes shooting his film “Moneyball.” Her mom heroics include ordering pizza, going toy shopping, and adopting dogs. Wow, by these standards I am pretty sure I could out-mom Angelina. [Us Weekly]

  • The cover story of this week’s People is about bullying and the awful results that can stem from harassment. The article focuses on college student Tyler Clementi, who took his life after his roommate streamed a video of him in their room with another man. Clementi’s roommate, Dharun Ravi, and one other student could receive prison time for invasion of privacy and possibly taking part in a hate crime. Meanwhile, friends of Clementi and the accused have been stepping up to speak of their friend’s character. Tyler is remembered as a shy but compassionate friend who was dedicated to music, while those close to Ravi claim that he would never purposely hurt someone.
  • After the extensive bullying coverage, People hit a lighter note, pontificating about whether some celebrities have found their ideal mate. Couples like Reese Witherspoon and Jim Toth, Kate Winslet and Louis Dowler, and Renee Zellweger and Bradley Copper are analyzed to see if these pairs have what it takes to call each other “the one.” Evidence for this “oneness” includes the couples living together or getting serious. It is obviously all very scientific.
  • Just in case you didn’t get the message from Carrie Underwood’s new video for “Mama’s Song”, the singer loves being married to hockey hubby Mike Fisher. Carrie says the long-distance relationship their careers demand is the norm for them. In the time they get between Underwood’s touring and Fisher playing in Canada, the couple likes to watch shows like “American Idol“—shocker—or go shopping together. Carrie confesses that she’s visiting Mike in Canada, but can’t drive there because of kilometer measurements. “I’m sure I speed horribly,” she says of the times she tries. [People]