It’s been four months, but I’m still ranting about the monstrosity that was “Sex and the City 2.” Who knew it was possible for Carrie Bradshaw to become any more vile and self-absorbed than she already was? I didn’t anticipate that I would come to loathe Samantha for behaving like a fanny pack-less ugly American or that I would actually sincerely walk out of the theater thinking, Miranda is the only one of those hens that I don’t want to tar, feather, and then deep fry. Never mind the fact that I actively rooted for Big to drop Carrie like a hot potato, I didn’t even feel a tingle in my nether regions when Aidan appeared on screen. This was “Sex and the City” — where was the sex?! Where was the city?! I hated every second I spent in the theater torturing my eyes with that hot mess of a motion picture.
Still, despite all of these complaints and Chris Noth’s passing-the-buck claim that fan and critical reaction has killed any chance of a third film, I can think of five very good reasons to make “Sex and the City 3.”1. So Carrie Bradshaw can finally be told that her writing sucks. Look, I loved the TV show as much as the next person, but did it ever bug anyone else that the protagonist and narrator of the show, a writer, could not pen a sentence that was not cliche? To quote Carrie herself, “I couldn’t help but wonder … is this bitch getting $4 a word at Vogue a crock of s**t or what?”
2. So Sarah Jessica Parker could finally go topless. Did you know that Carrie Bradshaw rarely took her bra off during sex with her litany of partners over the course of the show, and when she did, you could never see even the teensiest sliver of boob? This, while co-stars Cynthia Nixon, Kim Cattrall, and Kristin Davis exposed nipples, butts, and even bush (er, landing strip) countless times. Given that SJP is also an executive producer of the franchise, it seems a wee bit unfair that her co-stars did all the nudity, while she talked about being against nude scenes in the press. It’s time the other ladies said, “We’ll do a third film — but only if that prude, Sarah Jessica, shows her rack!”
3. So Jason Lewis could have a job again. His blink-and-you’ll-miss-it cameo in the second film was simply offensive. That sexy piece is having a hard time finding work. Poor guy. Help him out, Michael Patrick King. I don’t have the money to hire him as a sex slave.
4. So the whole lot of them could lose all their money in the stock market and have to move to Queens. I was appalled by the insane amount of bellyaching all the women did in the second film. I hate the argument that these movies are supposed to be about fantasy, because the TV show, especially in its earlier seasons, managed to be both aspirational and realistic. If pinching pennies, taking public transportation, and shopping the sale rack at J.Crew is what it takes for the foursome to get real and be hilarious again, then so be it.
5. So Carrie could die in the end. That way I wouldn’t have to come up with five reasons to make “Sex and the City 4.” Also, imagine the social media opportunities! Fans could vote on how they want Carrie to die! Shot while being robbed for her Manolos? Tasered to death by a security guard at Barneys when she tries to steal a Chanel purse? Strangled by Miranda because she just got too f**king annoying? Let the fans decide!