This weekend, “The Social Network,” a scripted movie about Facebook’s origins, opens nationwide. In honor of this momentous-ish occasion, we’ll be re-running some of our Facebook-related content that you might have missed, illustrating the good, bad, and ugly things the social networking site has brought into our previously status update-free lives. The piece below originally ran in Nov. 2009.
For anyone who is remotely active on Facebook, you no doubt have been faced at some point with inane updates on one of your friend’s kid’s colds or how wedding-planning was coming along for one of your engaged friends. That’s why, when parenting website Babble published their list of “Facebook’s Five Most Annoying Parents,” I immediately thought, “But what about all the annoying couples?” So, without further ado, I present Facebook’s Five Most Annoying Couples, after the jump.1. The Too-Much-In-Love Couple
Between the constant “I love my honey sooooo much!!” and “I have the most amazing husband in the whole world!!!” updates, these couples do proclaim too much. Their updates are filled with flowery adjectives and almost always include the words “amazing,” “luckiest,” and “best! ever!” Sometimes the updates are even addressed to each other, like, “Kelly, it was exactly two months ago today I met you and became the luckiest man in the universe!” or “Mark, I loved every amazing second of our beautiful weekend together!!” Don’t these people have personal email addresses? Can’t they actually speak to one another in person and leave the rest of us out of it? But, of course, all these proclamations aren’t for their benefit, they’re for ours. We’re supposed to feel jealous of their burning love for one another and their incredible luck to have found each other. Unfriend!
2. The Pathetic Couple
Outside of their relationship, this couple is miserable and empty. If either of them so much as works outside the home and they’re forced to spend eight hours apart, their updates are peppered with hourly countdowns until their end-of-the-day reunion. If one gets invited to a function without the other, they use their Facebook update to announce how unfair the world is and how nothing else in life is as important as the time they spend with each other. “I have to go to my BFF’s bachelorette party tonight, which means a whole evening without Nick! No fair!!!” How these couples ever managed to survive in the world without each other is one of the great mysteries of life.
3. The Boring Couple
It’s clear that the Boring Couple, who does nothing but constantly hang out at home, has forgotten that other people actually have fun for fun. They update with: “Excited to stay in for ‘movie and pizza night’ with the hubby!” or “Gonna cook a big dinner for wifey tonight!!” Well, hey, guess what, the rest of us are going to eat dinner at some point, too, and unless it’s enjoyed with a mentor we’ve just been granted a meal with from the Make-A-Wish foundation, it probably doesn’t warrant two exclamation points…or, you know, a status update on Facebook. These people would be more sad than annoying if they weren’t so smug about their domestic bliss.
4. The Passive-Aggressive Couple
Perhaps the biggest offender of them all, this couple hashes out their issues with one another in passive-aggressive, embarrassing, and often melodramatic updates, like “Would have gotten a lot more sleep if somebody didn’t keep me up all night with his constant farting!” or “There’s nothing I hate more than a man who can’t make up his mind which he woman he wants!” Every other day your feed is cluttered with messages that they’ve broken up or gotten back together. At least you can take comfort in knowing that they totally deserve each other.
5. The TMI Couple
A few weeks back there was a post on the website STFU, Marrieds that highlighted a Facebook update from a newly married woman who wrote: “Spent last night attempting to ward off the dreaded curse of the honeymoon stage — with gallons of water and a bazillion cranberry pills.” She may as well have written: “Hey guys, I’m having tons and tons of sex! So much sex that I think I’m getting a bladder infection. And in case I wasn’t clear, we’re doing it A LOT — probably even more times than you blinked your eyes all weekend!!!!” The TMI couple clearly has something to prove and that something is the amount of sex they’re having versus the amount you’re not having, you poor soul. Let’s just hope they’re practicing great birth control, otherwise we’ll soon see them on Facebook’s Most Annoying Parents list. Unfriend.