Ruh-roh. She may have joined the show thinking of herself as the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island, but last night Angelina left “Jersey Shore” — yeah, she left again — a broken woman. Or, as her cast mates call her, “the Staten Island dump.” If you haven’t watched “Jersey Shore” this season or last, allow me to recap: Angelina is exceedingly insecure and immature. What she lacks in intelligence she makes up for in smugness. She’s reality TV casting gold, basically. She left the first season of “Jersey Shore” after she argued with her long-distance boyfriend and then blew off work at the T-shirt shop. When her boss, who was also her landlord, showed up at the house looking for her, she hid in the bathroom and wouldn’t come out. He told Angelina to pack her bags and leave; no one was particularly sad to see her go, as she didn’t seem to understand the whole “hot tubs are for hooking up with strangers we bring home from the club” thing.
Apparently between seasons one and season two, Angelina talked a lot of smack about her “Jersey Shore” castmates. Whatever her loose lips said, it got back to them. When Angelina showed up at the condo in Miami, all “I’m ba-a-a-a-ck!”, her social life was dead on arrival. The girls in the house ignored her unless they were forced to be nice; the boys purposefully ditched her when they went clubbing. But this social bulldozer forged onward, practically begging her roommates to befriend her — but still pitching a histrionic fit at some perceived social slight nearly every episode. For example, last night everyone invited her to dinner and to go clubbing with them and she started yelling about how everyone in the house is “fake.” The boys in the house called her “trash bag” to her face. When she left a dirty menstrual pad on the bathroom floor, it ended up underneath her pillow, courtesy of The Situation. I feel bad laughing at it all because it’s so cruel.
Because I feel bad for Angelina. I really do. She was the only woman in the house who got called a “slut,” “ho,” “skank,” etc., even though she was having casual sex just like the rest of them. (Including Ronnie, who was dogging Sammi and lying about it for most of the season.) She’s a quasi-feminist in a way, arguing with her roommates every episode that she’s single and she should be allowed to contract a virulent strain of herpes just like the boys do. But the kids of “Jersey Shore” aren’t even close to being that evolved: Pauly D even said last night, and I paraphrase, “Boys do that. Girls don’t.” It was the very definition of a double standard.
All this made for bad roommate juju, but good TV. Then, last night Angelina did the dumbest thing imaginable and kicked the puppy. She picked a fight with the one person everyone loves and feels protective over: Snooki. When Snooks brought home a guy that Angelina had hooked up with in the past (despite the fact Angelina has schtupped Snooki’s sloppy seconds more than once), Angelina threw a tantrum. And Snooki, because Snooki is awesome, said, “Someone hold me earrings, please?” and laid into her like a charging rhino with a fake tan and a pouf.
Getting into a hair-pulling slap-fight with Snooks once is stupid. But, oh no, Angelina and Snooki went at each other twice in the same night. It’s hard to say who “won,” because they were pulled apart by roommates, but Snooks certainly held her own considering she’s not even five feet tall. Angelina, I guess, realized that after Snooki Fight #2 would be a good time to for her to Leave The Show #2. She hissed at Sammi and Ronnie for not being her friends, dragged her suitcases out the front gate, and disappeared.
I cannot say I will miss her.