Tabloid Cheat Sheet: John Travolta Having Gay Spa Sex? Can Lindsay Lohan Be Saved?

This week the tabloids threw their usual fodder at me about celeb diet secrets and “Teen Mom” updates, but I ignored it all. Instead I dug deep to give you the stories you really care about, like the Kardashians talking about babies and Brad Pitt attending tea parties. If that isn’t investigative journalism, I don’t know what is! After the jump, check out what our snooping through this week’s gossip mags uncovered for you.

  • People has the Spark Notes on Lindsay Lohan’s downward spiral in the article “Road to Ruin.” The story features Lohan’s four mug shots, a helpful chart mapping her inner circle of friends, and a collection of quotes from people supposedly near and dear to the troubled celeb. The article is a badminton game between people who believe that Lindsay can get better and those who just don’t see it happening. The birdie bounces between Lilo’s brother—unfortunately named Michael—who says she is committed to a “healthier future” and unnamed friends who say she is a liar who is constantly stuck in her own “crazy land.” So get yourself educated and choose your side, because this is obviously more important than any of your other commitments.
  • On the cover of the mag, Brad Womack is chest-deep in a pool of water (symbolic?) promising, “This time I’ll find my wife.” Apparently, Brad’s choice not to take either of the final ladies three years ago really rocked his world. He calls that day one of the worst in his life. After years of “introspection and therapy,” he has admitted that he was a commitment phobe and apologized to both the ladies. Now, with his biological clock ticking—People’s word choice, not mine—and his demons conquered, Brad is ready for another go-around.
  • Tabloids have taught me many things. One of the most recent lessons is a specific equation to figure out when a celebrity relationship has “heated up.” For George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis, the planets have aligned and the solution for “x” has been found, because People has announced things are officially getting steamy. Clooney recently met Canalis’ family and the couple attended an Armani fashion show in Milan where they only had eyes for each other. It’s getting hot in here, folks. [People]

  • The gossip mags are all about celebrity train-wreck recaps this week, with Us Weekly doing a rundown of Britney Spears’ recovery. Unlike Lindsay’s treatment in People, this story has a positive spin. The article is all about celebrating Brit as an adult. Family sources say she has her bipolar disorder under control through medication, and that she is back on good terms with ex Kevin Federline. The rest of the article focuses on the Brit of the future, with plenty of gushings from the “Glee” cast and several sources continuing to sing Jason Trawick’s praises.
  • Us Weekly’s article “Jen’s Secret Lover’s” reads like a page right out the “Mean Girls” burn book. Aniston is accused of being a liar for preaching about finding true love, but spending the summer going on dates with different men. I don’t know how Us expects Jen to find a man without dating one, but I’ll put that aside for now. The story then tears apart each man Aniston has allegedly gone out with, labeling them all douchebags who are into Jen as a “sport f-ck.” Wow, I Iiked it better when the ‘bloids were a full-fledged pity party for barren, depressed, divorced Jennifer.
  • Another “heating up” alert! Reese Witherspoon and boyfriend Jim Toth are said to be getting serious. So serious in fact that a bunch of people who don’t really know the couple say they could see them getting married. I am skeptical because if Reese was so ready to wed, why didn’t she scoop up Jake Gyllenhaal? Sources say that Witherspoon and her new beau spend almost everyday together and that Toth has already become a fast favorite with her kids. Insiders say the difference with Jim from past flings is that he is the first man to be dedicated to taking care of her. Psssh, I will not accept that kind of Jake slander. [Us Weekly]

  • Can we please leave John Travolta and his family alone? Star is reigniting rumors that John is gay, bringing out the big guns to prove it. Interior designer Robert Randolph will be releasing a book this year about his time spent in “seedy” L.A. spas and the numerous amounts of trysts he witnessed there. Randolph claims he’s seen John at these spas for years, usually engaging in “lewd sex acts” with other men. We won’t know more until his book is out. Not that this kind of story would ever be welcomed by the Travolta family, but it is especially bad timing with wife Kelly Preston’s baby due soon. Hasn’t this family been through enough?
  • Melody Eckerson may be one of the smartest of the ladies to have spent a night in the “smoosh room” with “Jersey Shore”’s The Situation, because she was wise enough to sell her story. Melody gave a not so complimentary tell-all to Star about her one-night stand with “The Sitch.” Eckerson’s admits she felt a deep connection with the reality star, until they got down to the actual smooching. She reveals that the sex lasted mere minutes and that she was immediately sent out of the house when the deed was done. As for Mike Sorrentino’s other situation? “Let’s just say, I’m thinking of my pinky,” Melody divulged. I can’t really say I read anything unexpected.
  • In a Star exclusive, “Bachelorette” runner-up Chris Lambton shares that ABC hounded him to be the new “Bachelor,” offering him a six figure salary and a choice of shooting location. Chris’ reason for turning the opportunity down was that he was sick of his personal life and family being broadcast to the public, and that he wanted to find love in a way he would be proud to tell his kids about in 20 years. Though Lambton said no, it hasn’t stopped the ladies from trying to win his love. Chris says that he continues to get love letters—including cruise invites—and has had two women break into his house to leave romantic notes for him. I imagine that Roberto Martinez has double the trouble then. Mmm, Roberto. [Star]

  • We are entering Kardasian Overshare Land again, with a three-part article about the sisters’ “Baby News.” I’ll focus on the most eye-grabbing story, which would be Khole’s, sporting the headline “Practicing Making Babies is Amazing.” Unnecessary. Khloe and husband Lamar Odom share their surprise in the difficulty they have encountered getting pregnant, but believe the struggle has made them closer. Lamar recently bought Khloe a fertility monitor so they can track when she is ovulating, and increase their chances of giving Kris and Bruce another “grandchild to dote on.” Aw? Ew? I am not sure.
  • For those of you keeping tabs on the Ashton Kutcher cheating scandal, you know that Demi Moore is standing by her man. The actress has stayed by Ashton’s side, accompanying him to events and tweeting photos of the two together. But sources say that inside Moore is having a difficult time dealing with the infidelity rumors. These insiders claim that Demi is also afraid to acknowledge rumors because she thinks it will drive Ashton away. As for Kutcher, anonymous sources pontificate that a lack of movie success and empty nest syndrome has left the actor looking for more. I don’t know if I buy the “I miss my wife’s kids so I am going to sleep with someone their age” angle.
  • While Rihanna may have planned an awesome bachelorette party for pal Katy Perry, Brad Pitt is out doing something even more amazing — going to tea parties with Zahara. Brad escorted Zahara to teatime at The American Girl Place in Los Angeles to celebrate the birthday of rocker Chris Cornell’s daughter, Toni. The festivities included pink lemonade, mini hamburgers, heart-shaped cookies, and a buttload of dolls. I think that is a nice note to end on. [Life & Style]