Open Letter To Demi Moore And Ashton Kutcher

Dear Demi and Ashton,

Congratulations on your fifth wedding anniversary, which you celebrated in bed on Friday. I know you celebrated your anniversary in bed on Friday because you tweeted a picture of the two of you cuddling between the sheets with the message “Thank you for all the anniversary wishes!! Enjoying a day lounging around watching “Breaking Bad” Great show!” So now I guess I also know you enjoy “Breaking Bad,” which is, you know, great. I’m happy for you. Congratulations! Congratulations on having a show you love to watch, and for being married five years, and for having gorgeous bodies. Demi, those recent pictures your tweeted of you in a tiny white bikini were very impressive, they were. You should be proud. And, yes, you look so young and hip in those chunky black glasses you’ve been sporting. But, now, please, won’t you STFU?Look, I’m not jealous of you. OK, maybe a little jealous of your bod — who wouldn’t be? — but I’m not jealous of your life or your relationship. Alright, I’m totally jealous of all your money (sue me). But, I promise, I’m not a hater or anything. Sure, I’m a blogger and I just asked you to STFU, but it’s not because I wish you ill will. Quite the opposite, actually. I’m embarrassed for you. I’m embarrassed for you and your kids and your whole family and I just think it’d be better for everyone — really, everyone — if you’d stop with the bikini pics and the “Aren’t we cute?” madness, and the “See, look? No cheating over here! We’re very much in love!” No one cares. And those who do are just sad and embarrassing themselves.

When you bait the media like you’ve been doing — and yes, I admit, I bit — with your constant photos and tweets, you just look defensive and like you’re trying to prove something. And I guess I don’t know what it would feel like to have my marriage picked apart in the press; it probably sucks. But you’ve been stars for a really long time. Aren’t you used to being scrutinized by now? Haven’t you yet learned to ignore everyone and just live your lives and be happy? Demi, remember when you took a break from Hollywood and you lived on a farm in, what, Idaho or something? And no one was talking about you at all — good or bad — and you went to PTA meetings and carved pumpkins and did whatever it is people on farms in Idaho do? You lived in peace and it was good, right?

Maybe it’s time to go back. Take a break from Hollywood, take a break from tweeting, take a break from posting pictures of yourselves in bed together and just … well, be together. Be together without all this noise. Maybe your marriage really is in trouble like the tabloids are saying, I don’t know. But if it is, you could probably use some real downtime just the two of you, out of the glare of the media spotlight, to reconnect. And if your marriage is totally fine and the infidelity rumors are false, it still wouldn’t hurt to disappear for a while — to quit giving people like me fodder to mock or analyze you. You’re still going to be rich and gorgeous — that part won’t disappear — even if your every move isn’t being validated by a couple million Twitter followers.

So, whaddaya say? Give it a try, hmm?