Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Ashton Kutcher Sexting? David Beckham Cheating, Too?

If there were a competition this week of which gossip mag is the glossiest, People would easily win. I am pretty sure they shellacked each copy of this week’s issue before sending it to the stores. Unfortunately, the power to blind your readers doesn’t speak for the dirt you got inside. So after the jump take a peek at which tabloid dishes out the best gossip to feed your guilty pleasure.

  • Ashton Kutcher may be the potential adulterer on every tabloids’ mind, but the scandal must have run out of unnamed sources before In Touch could get to it. Instead, the mag is casting David Beckham as the cheater of interest, offering up an exclusive interview with the high class hooker he supposedly slept with. Irma Nici is the lucky lady who allegedly bunked up with Becks while he was in New York for an L.A. Galaxy game. She shares all sorts of dirty details about the meeting, including a threesome, pleasuring herself with a banana, David’s OCD, and his supposed lack of girth. She also admits to giving the soccer player unprotected oral sex because his package was well-groomed. All of those of you who took sex-ed can figure out what is wrong with that line of thinking.
  • I’ve got advice for all you potential celebrities out there—don’t piss off people from your past! Because unlike other bitter exes, these old flings well get paid to air your dirty laundry. Kat Von D learned that lesson the hard way this week. Her ex-husband is happy to give the exaggerated truths we gossip mongers are dying for, sharing that Jesse James’ new girlfriend is a selfish, insecure, drug user. Oliver Peck says throughout his 2003 to 2007 union with Kat, she was obsessive about her weight and began taking drugs to get slim after her show “Miami Ink” became a success. Peck claims he was willing to help Kat through anything, but ended the marriage after hearing about a month-long affair his wife was having and realized that she would do anything for fame. Though selling Kat out to In Touch doesn’t say much for Oliver’s views on fame either.
  • Hey guys, I know you were concerned about how Atlanta housewife Kim Zolciak felt about her breast augmentation. Well, I am here to give you some good news: Kim LOVES her new boobs. What a relief, I can finally get back on a regular sleep schedule. Zolciak shared that she got a second boob job to get lighter implants and take care of sagging that resulted from age and breastfeeding. Kim is now gleefully bouncing around with a 32D, and all is a little bit better in the world.

  • I talked last week about how I get a little peeved when a tabloid cover story ends up being a weight loss success story. It happened again this week with Kelly Osbourne and friends gushing about the rock star spawn’s weight loss. I will keep it brief for you. Kelly dropped from size 14 to her current size 2 by eliminating bad things from her daily diet and spending at least 30 minutes on her treadmill everyday. Kelly has confessed to trying yo-yo diets and even Adderall to lose pounds in the past, but is certain that her current healthy lifestyle will keep her slim. Woot for Kelly, but boo for a boring story.
  • We’ve all heard that Rihanna was tasked with planning Katy Perry’s bachelorette party and it sounds like the single-lady spectacle was a hit. The 24-person-Perry-party jumped between Vegas hot spots, constantly indulging in drinks and getting rather tipsy said onlookers. The bash ended at a burlesque club where Katy was treated to a lap dance, and gave the girl dancer a peck afterward. Enter your own “Kissed a Girl” joke here.
  • One person who is still single: “Bachelor” season 11’s main man, Brad Womack. And he is looking to change that. Womack, who infamously rejected both of his final ladies, is supposedly working on signing on for another season. Brad is allegedly ready to open up more if he does get another shot at finding true love through the show. The show is also considering other men to take on the hard task of choosing between a dozen women, including fourth runner-up Ty Brown of the most recent “Bachelorette” season. I don’t think Brad should get another fleet of females to turn down, do you?

  • People magazine goes on the defensive for Demi Moore. Through a host of mysterious sources, a portrait is painted of the couple as a set of dedicated soul mates. Supposedly, both are certain that the rumors of Kutcher’s infidelity are false and have continued spending quality time together by visiting each other on set, taking in concerts, and going on weekend vacations. Others say that Kutcher has shared some doubts, expressing that his marriage might be holding him back from a full life. Stress over the two having a baby is also said to have caused a bit of the rift. But, overall, the article cites the couple’s friends and Twitter accounts saying they’re all right. And Twitter never lies.
  • While Kim Zolciak is gaga over her new tatas, Kelly Preston is excited over something a little more major. The actress shares her excitement about her baby boy who is expected soon, now that she is in her third trimester. Preston is so in love with her pregnancy she even admits that she is sort of bummed that it will be ending soon. With the back rubs and spa trips she says husband John Travolta provides to help her relax during the pregnancy. I think I can understand where she is coming from. Kelly also shares that her 10-year-old daughter Ella Bleu is also excited for the arrival of her baby brother, even singing to her mother’s tummy. Awww, it’s always good to have a little cute overload among all this trash talk.
  • I found the new show I have to watch this fall—”Sister Wives,” which we can just call the real-life “Big Love.” The show will follow “plural family living.” Kody Brown is married to four woman and has a total of 16 kids from the multiple unions. Brown shared that he agreed to the show so that the polygamist lifestyle can stop being viewed as gross, and instead be seen as the big giant family lifestyle that Kody sees it as. I am not convinced, but I am interested enough to watch, to see how a man juggles four wives and 16 kids. Brown does admit that it is easier to go out to dinner with all of his wives than before, because now people just assume he is the gay friend.

  • Star has serious dirt this week. After breaking out Brittney Jones and her story of an Ashton Kutcher tryst last issue, sBrittney now has illicit text mesages to back up her story. Let’s not get to excited though, because we certainly aren’t talking Tiger Woods kinkytown texts here. Instead, the messages that are published are mostly Britteny allegedly contacting Kutcher to meet up again, to which he replies he can’t. Jones claim she had some sexting action going on with the actor, but that Ashton made her delete those messages when they met up. Most of the article is a repeat of last week’s exclusive. But something tells me I could do a little editing to my contacts and have messages from just about anyone. I choose Alexander Skarsgard.
  • I always appreciate when tabloids ignore that more sensible answer for a celeb’s appearance and jump to a plastic surgery obsession story instead. The latest victim is Bristol Palin, who looks like she dropped in size since she first came on the scene with her baby mama drama in 2007. Could it be because she is working out? Or perhaps that she lost her baby weight? No! She obviously got a breast reduction and liposuction, and plans to get more surgery for a Hollywood physique. At least this is what Levi Johnston’s sister, Mercedes, is telling Star, claiming that Bristol is determined to become an actor. So, what do you think Mercedes is after?
  • We all know that Lindsay Lohan failed her drug test—she’s even admitted it. Tabloids are searching for ways to make this story news. Star seems to have found the way. The mag has quotes from Lohan’s “friends” that say she failed her drug test after hearing about ex Sam Ronson seeing other girls. Lindsay’s gal pals say the discovery sent her into a downward spiral that lead her to search out drugs and alcohol in the same night. Ronson is also said to have confronted Lindsay and screamed at her to stop calling. All this drama has taken a surprising toll on Lohan, if you listen to the sources. One says, “She has been drinking vodka ever since.” Oh, Sam, you will forever be tangled in the Lohan web.