16 Awful Places And Times To Dump Someone

Story time! The summer after my sophomore year of college I dated a guy whom I had more of a sexual connection with than an emotional one. He was one of the first guys I met who was genuinely into S&M and we enjoyed exploring each other’s sexuality in exciting and painful new ways. But I didn’t want to have intercourse with him, so he decided to dump me over that. Great guy, I know. This piece of work took me out onto Long Island Sound in his parents’ motor boat under the pretense of having a nice sail together and ended the relationship out at sea. Then he dropped me off on a pier and sailed back to shore. Cuh-ra-zy. I had no car at the marina and no way of getting home, so I had to walk someplace where there was a phone to call a family member to pick me up. I’ve been dumped quite a few times and, by far, that is the nutjobbiest way it’s been done.

You might think the moral of the story is not to develop a spanking fetish with someone you don’t know very well. But no! The moral of this tale is that a motor boat in the middle of Long Island Sound is a terrible place to dump someone.

Here are some other awful places to dump someone — add your own places in the comments!

  1. On top of the Eiffel Tower.
  2. Before a movie or a Broadway show starts. Or during intermission!
  3. After a person just drove hundreds of miles during their spring break to come visit you. (Hilarious story in Hypocrite In A Poufy White Dress, by Susan Jane Gilman.)
  4. At grandpa’s funeral.
  5. Christmas Eve. New Year’s Eve. Hanukkah. I would say Ramadan, too, but isn’t that an entire month-long?
  6. At a bridal gown boutique or while doing your own wedding registry.
  7. Via cell phone at a strip club.
  8. Via cell phone in Vegas when you’re three sheets to the wind (unless you live there).
  9. Via cell phone from the Bunny Ranch or the Playboy Mansion.
  10. During prom, homecoming, or walking the red carpet at the Oscars
  11. Trick-or-treating on Halloween.
  12. After you took his or her virginity.
  13. While he/she’s coming back to consciousness following major surgery.
  14. After you lift the veil on your recently plastic-surgeried bride-to-be on the new reality TV show “Bridalplasty.”
  15. The night before SATs, midterms or finals. (True story: I know someone who did this.)
  16. The delivery room before, during, or following the birth of your child.

If you have been dumped in any of these rather unceremonious ways, our 30-Day Breakup Guide will have you back on your feet right quick!

Tags: breaking up