Story time! The summer after my sophomore year of college I dated a guy whom I had more of a sexual connection with than an emotional one. He was one of the first guys I met who was genuinely into S&M and we enjoyed exploring each other’s sexuality in exciting and painful new ways. But I didn’t want to have intercourse with him, so he decided to dump me over that. Great guy, I know. This piece of work took me out onto Long Island Sound in his parents’ motor boat under the pretense of having a nice sail together and ended the relationship out at sea. Then he dropped me off on a pier and sailed back to shore. Cuh-ra-zy. I had no car at the marina and no way of getting home, so I had to walk someplace where there was a phone to call a family member to pick me up. I’ve been dumped quite a few times and, by far, that is the nutjobbiest way it’s been done.
You might think the moral of the story is not to develop a spanking fetish with someone you don’t know very well. But no! The moral of this tale is that a motor boat in the middle of Long Island Sound is a terrible place to dump someone.
Here are some other awful places to dump someone — add your own places in the comments!
- On top of the Eiffel Tower.
- Before a movie or a Broadway show starts. Or during intermission!
- After a person just drove hundreds of miles during their spring break to come visit you. (Hilarious story in Hypocrite In A Poufy White Dress, by Susan Jane Gilman.)
- At grandpa’s funeral.
- Christmas Eve. New Year’s Eve. Hanukkah. I would say Ramadan, too, but isn’t that an entire month-long?
- At a bridal gown boutique or while doing your own wedding registry.
- Via cell phone at a strip club.
- Via cell phone in Vegas when you’re three sheets to the wind (unless you live there).
- Via cell phone from the Bunny Ranch or the Playboy Mansion.
- During prom, homecoming, or walking the red carpet at the Oscars
- Trick-or-treating on Halloween.
- After you took his or her virginity.
- While he/she’s coming back to consciousness following major surgery.
- After you lift the veil on your recently plastic-surgeried bride-to-be on the new reality TV show “Bridalplasty.”
- The night before SATs, midterms or finals. (True story: I know someone who did this.)
- The delivery room before, during, or following the birth of your child.
If you have been dumped in any of these rather unceremonious ways, our 30-Day Breakup Guide will have you back on your feet right quick!