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Dear Wendy: “Should I Quit My Job AGAIN For My Boyfriend?”

Per your advice, I read and considered the “8 Questions To Ask Yourself Before You Move For Love,” which really helped put things in perspective and I decided to move for my relationship when I was financially ready. My biggest concern with moving was putting my education on hold — I’m in my last year and a half of college. My boyfriend encouraged me to apply to the state university in his area, but that could take another year for my application to be processed. I gave my two weeks notice at my high-paying job but started getting cold feet because I felt that I wasn’t achieving my goals. To make a long story short, my bf and I had a falling out days after I quit my job, and he broke up with me. I knew I had to beg to get my job back, but the management only asked that I commit to them at least until I finish school and I agreed. Well, this last weekend my boyfriend and I met up and had a great time, reminding me of why I wanted to make the move in the first place. He begged that I continue the relationship and relocate my life, but I feel so conflicted. He’s suggesting I leave a resignation letter the day of and never return, but that’s just not my style. Is it fair to quit my job twice within a week’s time? What would you do? — Conflicted About Moving

What would I do? I’d probably tell the guy to eff off. I’d tell myself this guy doesn’t understand the meaning of commitment if he thinks nothing of leaving a job that was kind enough to take my ass back after I quit a few days earlier. I’d wonder what that flippant attitude would mean for our future, especially considering the ease in which he broke up with me after I’d already put the wheels in motion to move to his town. I’d worry about not having a job or school lined up and being dependent on someone who dumped me just a few days ago. I’d wonder what would keep him from doing it again the next time we had a “falling out” and I’d worry about what I’d do then with no job, no school, no friends to lean on. And, finally, if I truly thought enough of him and our relationship to give it another shot, I’d tell him that if he really wanted us to be together, he could move to my town because I’m not going anywhere until I finish school and fulfill the commitment I made to my employers. And if he said no to that, or if he said he wouldn’t wait for me, I’d consider him a bullet I was lucky to dodge.

I have been dating my boyfriend for four months. At the beginning of the relationship he told me he would prefer I take the Pill as our method of birth control. I have never taken the Pill and decided against it since in previous relationships, condoms have worked just fine. As a compromise, I decided to determine when I would be ovulating and we wouldn’t use condoms on the days I thought it would be “safe.” Well, something went wrong last month and now I’m pregnant. I think 3-5 weeks. I have scheduled an abortion for next week and am 100% sure I’m not ready to be a mother. I have a feeling this boyfriend may potentially be my future husband in a few years. I don’t want to tell anyone about this pregnancy and termination and I prefer to go through it all alone. However, a part of me is saying maybe I should tell him. I don’t want to burden him with this pain and I feel that I’m responsible for the mess I’m in right now since everything leading to it was my decision. I want to act as if this never happened but I’m afraid if this man does end up being the person I marry, I may regret keeping it from him for the rest of my life. — Keeping a secret

Even though I’ve answered similar questions in the past (updates here and here), I’m posting your letter as a cautionary tale to readers who might think they know their cycles or their bodies well enough to skip birth control. Ladies, don’t be stupid. If you don’t want to get pregnant, use protection! I’m sorry to knock you when you’re down, KAS, by calling your behavior stupid, but that’s exactly what it was, and though it’s too late for you, I hope others can at least learn from your lesson.

The good news for you, KAS, is it’s not the end of the world, and you certainly aren’t alone in your predicament or how you got there. I mean that in two ways. First, there are plenty of other women who are or have been where you are now, and second, you didn’t get pregnant by yourself. Your boyfriend is as much responsible for your pregnancy as you are. It’s as much his burden to shoulder as yours — at least as much as he can. It’s obviously your choice to tell him. You can have the abortion in secret and he never has to know about it, but you’re absolutely right in thinking that this event may cast a shadow on your relationship together. If I were you, I’d tell him, if only to keep things open and honest between the two of you, and to have his support during what is sure to be a challenging ordeal. Do what you want, but don’t not tell him just because you don’t think it’s his responsibility. That would be stupid mistake #2.

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