Tabloid Cheat Sheet: “Teen Mom” Strikes Again? Kat Von D Preggers?

This week I learned once again that stars are just like us, but I don’t look anywhere near as hot as Joe Manganiello when I mail back my Netflix. I also got schooled in how valuable secrets can be when you belong to the rich and famous club. Check out this week’s cheat sheet to the tabloids to find out who is staying quiet for money and whose dirt is about to be revealed. Plus other naughty bits we dug up from this set of gossip mags.

  • Lauren Conrad is getting revenge on her former “Hills” castmates, but backscooped Heidi Montag has no need to worry because it isn’t a revenge body we are talking about. LC has gotten business revenge—her success with her best-selling books and Kohl’s clothing line has made some of the “Hills” ladies kind of jealous. Conrad thanks her success to leaving the show and staying away from drama for her blossoming work life. Hints are dropped that she way have a new reality series in the works, focusing on said “professional life.” Which kind of sounds like a lot less entertaining version of what Rachel Zoe is already doing.
  • In honor of “True Blood“‘s way-too-soon season finale this Sunday, I bring you highlights from “25 Things You Don’t Know About Ryan Kwanten,” aka Jason Stackhouse. Essentially, this feature shows that Ryan and I are kindred spirits. He can’t spell the word “definitely” and doesn’t trust people who don’t like animals. Ditto, Ryan! He has been bitten by a shark, and I love sharks. He loves odd numbers, and I guess they are pretty neat. See, the similarities are endless.
  • Brace yourself for a new batch of Jennifer Aniston pregnancy rumors because that harlot had the nerve to go on two dates in one week. ZOMG! The two chosen bachelors were “Cougar Town”‘s Josh Hopkins and Hard Rock Cafe mogul Harry Morton. Through vigorous research and anonymous sources, Us Weekly has decided that Morton is just into Aniston for the celebrity connection, while Hopkins may really be smitten with the usually “unlucky in love” Aniston. My research says her urge to go on dates, instead of doing nothing, isn’t too novel of a concept. [Us Weekly]

  • Life & Style reveals what everyone else probably had figured out—Elin Woods didn’t give up all the dirt in her recent People interview. No Duh! L & S for some reason brings out some of Tiger’s mistresses to explain what Elin could be keeping quiet for, and all the little fame seekers agree that she is keeping mum to make sure she gets her $100 million settlement. The trio of mistresses also believe that Elin had to know quite a few details about the golfer’s philandering ways, because he “got sloppy” in trying to cover it up. Again, no duh!
  • The real Ronnie is out! Insiders who knew “Jersey Shore”s Ronnie Ortiz-Magro before the show are saying this aggressive and womanizing version of the season one sweetheart is who Ronnie really is. Now he is dragging fellow castmate Sammi Giancola down with him. Sources close to the show say that Ronnie is emotionally abusive to Sammi, and that his actions are causing her to become aggressive as well. Twenty-eight-year-old Kristin DeMinco claims that Sammi attacked her at a nightclub after she saw DeMinco chatting with Ronnie. L & S worries that it might get worse and suggests The Situation as her savior. Oh dear.
  • Kate Hudson is “every inch a woman in love” according to this week’s issue, but some worry that Kate is moving too fast with her new beau, Matt Bellamy. The concern is Hudson’s 6-year-old son, Ryder, who might not be adjusting to his mom’s new relationship. Onlookers say that Ryder was left riding his bike silently ahead of Kate as she canoodled with Matt on a recent vacation. While insiders close to the family worry that Ryder is being negatively affected by Hudson’s “hopeless romantic” ways and constantly changing boyfriends, he probably just misses playing catch with A-Rod. [Life & Style]

  • In Touch has decided to give Lady Gaga a lesson in bad romances, trashing her for the way she treated former flings. Gaga first started with bandmate Alex Beckmann, whom she ditched when a friend suggested the guy was cramping her style. Then it was producer Rob Fusari who was a prop from the start, solely used to get more fame. These two were followed by two others who got the boot—a businessman who was into PDA and a stylist who Gaga gave the nickname “Dada.” Kinky!
  • Start reserving copies now. “Keeping up with the Kardashians”‘s resident scumbag Scott Disick is thinking about writing a tell-all divulging the family’s dirty secrets, expect for Kourtney’s of course. Skeletons that could be unearthed included Kris’ barrage of affairs during her marriage to Robert, including one with the pool boy. As well as Kim’s “insane sex life” that supposedly left her homeless for a while. How about why they all insist on having names that start with K?
  • Holding hands can get you pregnant! Or at least that is the only way to explain the news that Jesse James’ recent fling Kat Von D is carrying his little motorcycle enthusiast. After the new couple’s hand-in-hand date in Austin, In Touch is on bump watch, and Kat is wearing enough loose-fitting clothes to make them suspicious. Plus, Kat has already divulged to the magazine that she has met James’ kids and she thinks he may be “the one,” which obviously means she is ready to carry his baby. Of course talks of tattoos and what Sandra might think were also included. [In Touch]

  • Don’t let the cover fool you—Tyler and Catelynn from “Teen Mom” don’t have regrets about giving their baby up for adoption. They miss seeing daughter Carly’s smiling face between the visits of their open adoption with Teresa and Brandon, but know that the adoptive parents were a perfect match. “They’re are just so ready [to be parents],” Tyler gushes about Brandon and Teresa. For right now, the engaged 18-year-olds are ready for college, more communication with each other, and the day that daughter Carly comes to their doorstep and says “Thank you for everything.”
  • After reading about Tim Gunn’s dark past, I am ready to take him out to a nice Red Lobster dinner more than ever. The best part about “Project Runway” shares what it is like growing up with a manly FBI father who tried to force him into sports and sent him to shrinks, sure that he was something other than gay. Tim also opens up about a suicide attempt at 17 and how he happily hasn’t had a boyfriend since 1982. Ah, Tim I could just hug you forever.
  • While there were other articles in this week’s People, I couldn’t ignore the no stars rating that the Joaquin Phoenix documentary received. I personally think People tends to keep it to fluffy in their reviews, but “I’m Still Here” gets served a scalding dose of hate. The writer shares that Joaquin looks so bad you think you can smell him, desperately hounds Diddy, and at one point appears to get defecated on by a prostitute. I want to see it more than ever. [People]