Earlier today, an email appeared in my inbox from OKCupid, my online dating site of choice. “New message from BananaMan5,” it read. The name was highly suspect, but I decided to check out the email anyway, just in case Mr. Banana turned out to be the hilarious, dashing, uber-creative man of my dreams. The email was short, just one line with a whole lot of exclamation points:
“I love poom poom!!!!!!!”
Now, I am actually a big fan of online dating. I’ve tried out most of the major sites—Match.com (where I found the guys were too boring), eHarmony (where they were too into wife-shopping), J-Date (where they were too religious), and finally OKCupid (where, at least 25 percent of the time, they’re just right). Overall, I’d say that half of the guys I go out with are ones I met out in the real world, while the other half are procured online. Honestly, the ones I meet online tend to be much higher quality. I think there’s something truly fantastic in being able to read about who someone is, what they do, and what they’re looking for before taking them out for a test drive. You can see if their sensibilities are in line with yours, and weed out anyone who will be an obvious no-go. Now that I think about it, of the four guys I’ve dated for more than a month in the past year—all of them were people I felt giddy about after reading their well-written online profiles.
But the hazard of trying to find love online is that for every genuine email I get, I receive three that are bizarre, disturbing, or just plain drivel. So behold: the strangest messages I’ve gotten via online dating sites recently, with names deleted to protect the not-so-innocent.
“Sorry to be writing at this ungodly hour, i have relapsed into insomnia after an entire year of staying vampire dawn free, no lie. a whole year. notihng to do at this time of night but browse the online personals, as not coincidentally i am recently widowed. i mean divorced. i mean dumped. but, being in new york, i have now been dumped by a whole better class of person than i have ever been dumped by before, so thats at least something.
“Oh how i’d like to bend you over my knee and spank your bare sweet cheeks blush…”
“you are so lovely on picture. Nice to meet you. I am _________ in Beijing, China. Do you know something about China If you are interested, I will send you some pictures about China & myself at once. So you can understand something about China at first. Please give me your email address.
“Hey there. I do not have too much information on my profile. I feel that if I have everything out there nothing is left for imagination. I know it my crazy philosophy. Also, I don’t have any photos up. That cause people always tell me that I dont look too good in photos as I do not have a photogenic face.”
“u very fine, im _________. if u dont mind a hispanic man loveing u, im him.”
“i am jewish, but i have never even been on a date with a jewish girl. but feeling like i am corresponding with a fellow jew i do feel free to express myself in certain ways that nobody else i have met except vietnamese people, really dont think is weird or offensive or whatever. so even if you never even write back this has been some kind of breakthrough. clearly your magic at work. thanks.
“You must be a lumberjack because you just raised my wood.
“I’ve seen you once or twice in the two dimensional world, yeah once maybe twice and you seem pretty interesting here so I imagined real life, wow. Anyway I just wanted to say hello, if you like drop me a line. There is fun to be had out, that’s what they say.”
“The reason my profile is turned off is because my book is written anonymously and I need to keep a low profile because of it…so you see? I’m not just some weirdo I’m a postmodern celebrity (I hope you appreciate the attention!!!) it’s obvious from your pictures that you have great taste.. all the more flattering then if you agree to have a coffee with me….nothing too racy ..we can start with decaf.”
“You do 3some?”
OK, so none of these guys got a response from me. And I’m guessing they haven’t gotten responses from any other women they’ve written either. But each one of them did make me laugh out loud because, well, their attempts were hilarious.
And nestled among the crazies are good-looking, interesting, smart guys I actually would really like to date. Last week, I told you about how I’d written to a hot TV producer on OKCupid, only to hit send and discover that he’d been writing me at the exact same time I’d been writing him. We’ve exchanged a bunch of emails since then—why is it so freaking sexy when a guy gives good pun? We both have insane schedules, so we aren’t meeting face-to-face until next weekend. But I hope I have an uplifting tale to tell you then.
Oh, and please put the weirdest messages you’ve received online in the comments section. Call it therapy.