“Bachelor Pad”: Who’s Doing What With Whom In Episode 5

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Last night, yet another stupendous episode of “Bachelor Pad” went down and it became apparent that if you weren’t willing to get busy with a member of the opposite sex, you were going home with empty pockets. Since the season began, the number of women has outweighed the number of men. As Chris Harrison reminded us, there have been more seasons of “The Bachelor” than “The Bachelorette,” which means more women have appeared on the series — that, apparently, is why more women were cast on the “Pad,” though I think ABC likely just took who they could get. Anyway, Chris Harrison had some bad news for the houseguests — it was time to even up the numbers in the house, which meant that three of the remaining women would be heading home right away. How to decide which three would be sent packing? A strange, er, spin on Spin the Bottle.

Each guy stood around a table with a champagne bottle (of course) in the middle. Chris spun the bottle and whomever it landed on got to decide which woman he wanted to partner up with for the remainder of the competition. That woman then got to choose if she wanted to work with the guy who chose her and “accept his kiss” or not. Though Chris Harrison — who I will only ever call by his last name — and the voiceovers from the houseguests tried to give the scene an aura of suspense, it was obvious from the get-go that the existing couples in the house would stick together and the women who didn’t share their bed with anyone would go home.

Kiptyn had first pick and offered his lips to Tenley, who of course accepted. For the record, I watched Kiptyn kiss in slow motion, and homeboy kisses with fish lips. Gross. Then Kovacs was up and, naturally, bunny-boiling Elizabeth accepted his kiss. The only real moment of suspense came when Jesse B. got the next choice in partner and, given his past history hooking up with Natalie, this meant that there was some chance he might pick her, but he went with recent hookup buddy Peyton, even though she wouldn’t go to the fantasy suite with him last week. Dave was last to pick and, duh, he chose Natalie — with whom he’s had a “secret” relationship for the last, uh, two episodes. That meant Ashley, Gwen, and Nikki were headed home, but we didn’t ever care about them anyway. See ya later, chicks — better luck next time if you decide to put out!

Finally! The couples of the house, now working as partners, are free to be open about their relationships! Because the Pad has been so oppressive! Kiptyn and Tenley made out a ton and Elizabeth and Kovacs decided to celebrate by invading the fantasy suite to take a bubble bath and have sex. Always slightly psychotic, after the deed was done, Elizabeth to cry about how Kovacs isn’t romantic enough. The dude took a bubble bath with you on national TV, chick, give him an effing break. Meanwhile, Peyton continued to tolerate Jesse B., but I think he’s sweet and awesome, despite being a dim neanderthal.

The rose competition was a water balloon toss and it was totally uncomplicated and uninteresting so I’ll skip to the end. Peyton and Jesse B. were out first, but adorable Jesse went out of his way to make sure Peyton didn’t blame herself for their failure. Then Kiptyn and Tenley lost and it came down to Elizabeth/Kovacs vs. Natalie/Dave, with the latter super couple pulling out an impressive win. In addition to being safe at the next elimination, they also got to enjoy a romantic date riding around town in a bright yellow Lambourgini. I love this couple together because they did what I would have done if I had an expensive sports car at my disposal — IMPROMPTU SEXY PHOTOSHOOT!!!!

Anyway, rose ceremony time. Dave and Natalie, Elizabeth/Kovacs, and Tenley/Kiptyn have been working together since the beginning, so it seems like Jesse B. and Peyton don’t have a shot at staying. Or do they?! Natalie and Tenley noodle over the idea that Kovas and Elizabeth are strong competitors who would be hard to beat, especially if there’s a challenge involving how well the couples know each other. After all, they’ve been dating a whopping six months. We were shown a scene of Kovacs and Elizabeth studying each other’s personal facts and, even though she is clearly obsessed with Kovacs, she failed to remember his brother’s name, where he went to college, and his middle name. For the record, the latter is “Amnidash” (or that’s how it’s pronounced) and I remembered it without any problem, despite the fact that I don’t even take ginko biloba.

Despite competing as couples, each houseguest votes individually in the rose ceremony, but Natalie and Tenley aren’t willing to break ranks with Dave and Kiptyn, who don’t want to turn on Kovacs, so, as expected, Jesse B. and Peyton were sent home. Now it’s down to six houseguests, three couples, but only one of them will win the $250K — who will it be? Guess we’ll have to keep watching this whorefest to find out …