Dear Wendy: “We’re Only Compatible In Bed”

It’s time again for “Shortcuts.” For every question, I’ll give my advice in two sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss when a couple is only compatible in bed, when to tell a new significant other you’re against premarital sex, and how to find out if your casual dating partner wants more.

My boyfriend and I have great bedroom chemistry. I don’t even mean just sex (which is great); I mean we’re both relaxed and it’s so enjoyable just lying together, talking about our days and cuddling. But, suddenly, when we’re out in the world outside of our bedrooms, things change. It’s hard to talk to him because he becomes a know-it-all and a lot of the time I feel like he only half cares what I have to say. He focuses on everything else going on around me, and interjects only when he knows more about a certain subject than I do. I’ve talked to him about the whole talking down to me issue and he promised to stop, but he really hasn’t, even though I try to give him friendly reminders. His father is a lot like this and I think it may just be a personality trait that runs in the family. We’ve been together under six months and I’m just not sure if it’s worth pursuing anymore. Just as I would hate for him to want to change me, I don’t want to change him as a person. Is it possible for two people to only be compatible alone? — Only Happy In Bed

If your boyfriend is only tolerable when you’re horizontal, he acts like a jackass the rest of the time, and after only six months you’re already wondering if the relationship is worth pursuing, you’d probably be better off dumping the guy and finding someone you connect with as much outside the bedroom, rather than only between the sheets.

I’ve been dating a man for the past six weeks. It’s been great fun and I like him more and more each time I see him. I think the relationship could have great potential, but right now it’s not too serious and we’re just enjoying each other’s company. My question is when and how do I tell him that I think cohabitation before marriage and premarital sex are wrong? I do know that if it’s a dealbreaker for him that he should know sooner rather than later before our feelings grow deeper. But another part of me thinks that if I wait to bring it up it might not matter to him at all. I have no clue when or how to tell him. Please help! — Against Premarital Sex

There really isn’t a correct answer to this, but I’d be inclined to wait until he brought it up. If it’s a big deal to him or something he wants to pursue, he’ll bring it up on his own in the not-too-distant future, and if it isn’t a big deal, it won’t matter when he finds out.

I’ve been dating this guy, who is 10 years my senior, for over a year and a half. We’ve had our share of ups and downs but I love him; he’s my first love. Long story short, I’ve asked for nothing but honesty and while I don’t expect a bf/gf relationship out of it or marriage, I also don’t want to hear from a third party about him being with another girl. I’ve told him this and while he says I’m the only one he’s with, part of me doesn’t believe him. He’s 31, has a great career and great personality but for the past seven months or so if I’ve seen or talked to him more than 10 times that’s a lot. I know he gets busy with work and all but he manages to make time to bar-hop every Friday, take his boat out with friends all the time, to plan trips outside of the city, the list goes on. I don’t want to sound like a needy or overbearing girl and I just want to know whether he sees it as a FWB situation or if we’re still dating. Every time I try to get him to talk about this he says, “If you’re asking if I have sex with anyone else, I don’t. You’re the only one I’m with, I’m not dating anyone.” Or I’ll get “Oh, I didn’t know you felt that way” with silence after that. After each of these conversations, I feel like the bad guy and end up apologizing. How can I ask exactly where he stands without sounding immature or needy? And how do I get him to answer me directly about what he wants instead of having him turning it into a question of sexual exclusivity? — Wanting More

If you love the guy, why on earth would you tell him you don’t expect a real relationship from him? Of course this is a FWB situation because that’s basically what you’ve said you wanted, so if it isn’t what you want, you better tell him the truth. Jesus, when did it become “needy” to tell people you’re sleeping with that you want a relationship with them? I know that’s more than two sentences, but COME ON. I get these kinds of questions all the time and they make me crazy. They’re usually from young women like you. So, please, young women of today, wherever you got this idea that you’re being overbearing by asking for what you want, it’s so, so wrong!! If you tell someone you don’t expect anything from him, that’s exactly what you’re going to get. Being “low maintenance” or whatever it is you think you’re being when you say you don’t expect a relationship doesn’t increase your chances of getting the guy or making him fall in love with you or whatever. It simply increases your chances of being used. So stop the madness! If you want honesty, start with yourself. Be honest about your expectations and maybe, just maybe, they’ll be met.

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