Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Can We Leave Shiloh Alone? And When Did “Teen Mom” Become Such A Big Deal?

This is a week full of questions for me as I skim through the tabloids. Apart from the usual riddles—like “Why I am still reading news about Kate Gosselin?”—a new bunch of puzzles have emerged. After the jump, we’ve weeded out the unnecessary, superficial and mundane stories from this week’s fleet of tabloids and distilled it down to just the juiciest and most entertaining bits.

  • After the hype of the Elin Woods exclusive, People went sentimental this week with three different cancer stories. The cover story is about Michael Douglas’ battle with throat cancer. The actor admits that Catherine Zeta-Jones has been insanely supportive, but is too emotional to come to his treatments. Instead, the couple’s kids escort their daddy to chemo, where they find all the machines to be more like “Stars Wars” than a scary disease. Cute, I guess? Michael also briefly speaks about Cameron, who is in jail for possessing and dealing drugs. Michael feels partially to blame because he put his career as the “priority” when Cameron was a child. Overall, Michael, his family, and his doctors are optimistic that the cancer will soon just be a bad memory.
  • Mel Gibson’s rage receptor and ex-wife Oksana Grigorieva has been made into a bad guy of her own. Unnamed sources say that her marriage to Mel was a gold-digging plot from the start and that she is using their daughter as a tool to create more cash. Sources say she’s turned down previous settlements because “she’s greedy.” Others close to Grigorieva preach that she is just a “survivor” and feels like a “lost soul” after being betrayed by a love she thought was real. I say milk Mel for all his worth!
  • A more bizarre fight featured in this issue is not over money or against cancer, but an eco-friendly family fighting for their right to dry. The Brensingers decided to ditch their dryer for an outdoor line to save money and energy, but are finding themselves victim to clothes-hanging hate crimes. Their line has been snipped twice in the middle of night and now they are being fined by their home owners’ association. But the Brensingers will solider on! “We’re not rule breakers by nature,” says Terry Brensinger. “But this rule is indefensible.” You keep on hanging, Terry! [People]

  • Just when you think the Lohans have no drama left unturned, Life & Style pulls the illegitimate half-sister card. Fifteen-year-old Ashley Horn believes she is Lindsay’s sister and is devastated she couldn’t support her sis through her recent hard times. Ashley’s mom, Kristi, says she had an affair with Michael Lohan in the early ’90s and got pregnant with Ashley during the tryst. In December, she went to court, attempting to get a DNA test to prove that Micheal is the daddy and get $300,000 in child support. Michael didn’t show up to the hearing, but his name was added to Ashley’s birth certificate. Whether she is a real Lohan or not, Ashley is thinking like one. She has already slammed her supposed dad, saying, “I don’t want to be around him or part of his life.”
  • No matter how much Amelia may plead for 4-year-old Shiloh Jolie Pitt to be left alone, it hasn’t stopped. L & S is making the child the center of the new supposed Brangelina skirmish. Allegedly, Brad is getting pissed with how much Angie is talking about Shiloh and her interest in being a boy. He is worried that it will bring unnecessary attention and criticism. As usual, Brad is painted as the pansy with sources saying it doesn’t matter what he thinks because Angelina “is in the driver’s seat in this family.” Even with others worrying that Shiloh has become a self-promotion tool for Jolie, they all agree there is no way to stop her. If Shiloh only had a secret half-sister to save her.
  • Surprise! Apparently the double wedding is off from last week, but that doesn’t mean Britney Spears and new beau Jason Trawick aren’t in bliss. Their recent vacation to Maui is being hailed as a turning point to a better Britney, as she spends time away from her domineering father. “She is relaxed and seems so happy to be with Jason,” a lucky onlooker shared. Insiders agree that Jason can only mean good for Brit. One says, “He knows Britney for the good and the bad and loves her for both because of and in spite of it all.” Aww! And not one mention of how good/bad BritBrit looks in a bikini. Hallelujah. [Life & Style]

  • Real Housewife Teresa Giudice proclaims she has learned from her mistakes—though she may regret the cheesy photos. Teresa says she feels “humiliated” and was unaware of her husband’s money issues until their attorney told them they were $11 million in debt and needed to file for bankruptcy. She admits to having many sleepless nights, thinking, “What are we going to do?” but shares that most of the other housewives have helped her, expect for Danielle Staub, of course. Her husband Joe defends her, saying that even though he believes Teresa was addicted to shopping, it was his business that caused their financial woes. And perhaps his shoe fetish?
  • In Touch has brought the claws out on Jesse James, saying he humiliated Sandra Bullock once again by flaunting his new relationship with Kat Von D. In this situation, “flaunt”‘ means to “walk hand-in-hand and share an occasional peck in Sandra’s home turf of Austin, Texas.” An onlooker said the new couple “seemed really happy and infatuated with each other.” As her own brand of revenge, Sandra is apparently asking friends to set her up on dates. A source says, “She wants to focus on Louis—but wouldn’t mind a date night every one in a while.” At least she will always have her little Cajun cookie.
  • InTouch’s key phrase of the week is “rubbing salt into old wounds.” Aside from the above, LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian are scolded for sharing too much PDA and upsetting their exes. The article features grainy pictures of the love birds canoodling in Mexico alongside Eddie’s ex-wfie Brandi Glanville’s tweets like, “LeAnn and Eddie are so-over-the-top and so public with their relationship.” Meanwhile LeAnn’s ex, Dean Sheremet, is taking a more immature road. A source says “He will forward her most ridiculous tweets to his friends and make fun of her.” Maybe everyone should lay off the Twitter? [In Touch]

  • When did MTV’s “Teen Mom” go from a guilty pleasure to national tabloid news? I was shocked to see the show on two covers this week. For Us Weekly, it was an interview with Maci Bookout and her new man, childhood friend Kyle King. Throughout the interview, Maci oozes about opening herself up to love again and the difference between King and her loser ex/baby daddy Ryan Edwards. She says of King, “He has his priorities in line and he just gets along so well with me.” The only issue facing the couple is distance now that Maci is back at school. Baby Bentley gets little mention.
  • In tabloid news that I 100 percent believe, Jake Pevelka is looking to get on “The Bachelor” again. Jake allegedly told producers he would be ready for a second season of girl hunting, but not for the right reasons. A source sums up what we already know. “What he loved was the attention. He’s more concerned with becoming famous than with finding a wife.” But the great minds of “The Bachelor” are said to have figured that out and have already turned him down.
  • I am beginning to believe that each tabloid hires someone to search out photos of Jessica Simpson in unflattering outfits. In “Jessica Simpson: Another Style No-No!” various “professionals” and onlookers tear the poor singer apart for wearing a maybe not-so-great-looking Dior dress. Or as one onlooker summarizes, “She looked like she was smashed in to her dress.” Jessica, screw them all and wear a tarp next time you go out! [Us Weekly]