Frisky Rant: Remaking A Crappy Movie In 3D, Still Makes It … Crappy

OK, moviemakers, I get it! 3D can add a little extra voodoo magic to a film. I’ve had THIS figured out since I visited the “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids” attraction at Disney World when I was two. Unfortunately, the novelty of the third dimension is rapidly wearing off. And it is only going to wear off faster if you keep using it as an excuse to remake really bad movies.The movies riding on the 3D gimmick are easy to spot. All you have to do is look for “3D” in the title—it’s a warning sign that eye-popping effects are as important to the film as the story itself. And that is the problem. The accessibility of 3D technology has allowed filmmakers to justify unnecessary sequels, remakes, and just plain bad movie ideas.

The angry-animals-attack-human genre was kicked off by greats like “King Kong” and strengthened by classics like “Jaws.” But this specific breed of creature feature ran its course when flicks like “Lake Placid” and “Anaconda” started to get sequels and the Syfy Channel decided to get in to the movie-making business. Now, this genre, which has been a straight-to-DVD joke for years, is back with “Piranha 3D,” its already planned sequel, and “Shark Night 3D.” The only problem? The movies suck. [Ed Note: I am WAY psyched to see “Piranha 3D” — I guess Kelli will not be coming with me. Sniff.]

This is the same for sequels and remakes. Did we really need another “Step Up,” “Cats and Dogs,” or “Journey to the Center of Earth”? Let me answer for you—no, no and no. But these movies exist, or will soon enough, because movie executives think quick money can be made without much effort if it’s in 3D. Well, I don’t need to feel as if the sweat off some Channing Tatum look-alike’s torso is going to fly through the screen and hit my face. I have no urge to see Jerry O’Connell’s detached manhood come flying at me in life-like clarity. I need original ideas that make me excited about going to the movies again.

So please, Hollywood, stop putting time and money into vessels that solely exploit this technology. Instead, use your energies for creating true movie magic. We get 3D action every day in the real world, so give us something we truly can’t find anywhere else.