It’s that dark time of year when you know the summer’s end is just around the bend. And of course the movies this week are particularly bleak. There’s a lot of robbing, murdering, blood, death, possession, and other unspeakable things. I’m not saying you shouldn’t go to the movies because it’s going to be a bummerfest, though—there’s still lots of action and adventure and human emotion. Just not the funny kind!
The Movie: “Takers”
The Trailer: A group of criminals (T.I., Paul Walker, Chris Brown, Hayden Christensen, Michael Ealy, and Idris Elba) manage to pull off perfect bank robberies, but a detective (Matt Dillon) is on the case, and when they plan one last heist, he is dead-set on catching them.
The Hitch: I was too shocked to see Chris Brown to pay much attention to the rest of the trailer, but it looks like an exciting ride with plenty of hotties involved. Mostly T.I. though—boy, is that man pretty! It’s also nice to know that Matt Dillon is still around. I guess.
The Movie: “The Last Exorcism”
The Trailer: Cotton Marcus (Patrick Fabian) is a Southern preacher who lets a documentary crew follow him, because as a self-confessed fraud, he wants the world to see one of his fake exorcisms. They arrive at the home of farmer Louis Sweetzer (Louis Herthum) who thinks his 16-year-old daughter Nell (Ashley Bell) is possessed by the devil when his animals keep turning up slaughtered.
The Hitch: Based on the 1973 classic “The Exorcist,” this version is faux documentary-style, a la “Blair Witch.” The funny part is that all of his methods of ousting the devil were the same used in the original movie. The original movie that still scares the crap out of me, a decade after watching it. I don’t know if I can handle the modern Bible-thumping, pea-soup-spewing, contortionist possessed.
The Movie: “The Tillman Story”
The Trailer: Pat Tillman was the football hero who put his Arizona Cardinals career on hold to join the U.S. Army Rangers. He was killed in April 2004 in Afghanistan by friendly fire, but the Bush administration and the military wove a story about his tragic death, painting him as a war superhero. Eventually, the truth came out.
The Hitch: It’s tragic enough to die in a war when there isn’t a massive cover-up of what actually happened. It’s always comforting that someone cares enough to expose corruption in the government and military.
The Movie: “Daniel and Ana”
The Trailer: Daniel and Ana are brother and sister, training for a marathon. Ana is about to get married and Daniel is still a confused and hormone-driven teenager. They are kidnapped and forced to do the unthinkable. Then it’s awful and awkward.
The Hitch: Incest is a heavy word even before the word “forced” is put in front of it. It’s an interesting psychological venture, but definitely one to see without any of your immediate family present.
The Movie: “Centurion”
The Trailer: A Roman soldier (Michael Fassbender) leads what is left of the Ninth Legion to fight the Picts, a wily face-painted group led by a tough biotch (Olga Kurylenko).
The Hitch: It’s mostly a lot of gladiator-style fighting in the woods, with lots of impaling and blood spurts. I like that there’s a female enemy leader though … and that she used to be a Bond girl. I would maybe watch the movie if it helped me figure out how she did that eye makeup.
The Movie: “Mesrine: Killer Instinct”
The Trailer: Jacques Mesrine (Vincent Cassel) is one of France’s most well-known gangsters. He robbed, killed, was imprisoned, got out, and so on, for two decades, before being shot down in 1979. He was charismatic and a master of disguises.
The Hitch: This is part one of Mesrine’s story on film; the second will be “Public Enemy No. 1,” which will come out on September 10. I’m not sure why they didn’t just make one four-hour movie or edit it down, but from the trailer, Mesrine does come off as an interesting character. Maybe not four-hours interesting, but certainly two.