Vagina Tree Predicts Winning Lotto Numbers!

I’ve never been a big fan of the lottery. I think it’s because of that Shirley Jackson short story where the “winner” gets stoned to death, which seems to be what metaphorically happens when someone suddenly comes into a lot of money. But if there were any way to know that the lotto was fixed and you were guaranteed a win, I could maybe risk those fears. Perhaps that’s why villagers in northern Thailand have been consulting the magical vagina tree for clues? Apparently, the 100-year-old tamarind tree recently developed a “fist-sized sparkling” mound on a two-foot-long gash in its trunk, which kinda looks like a shmagina. And villagers in the Phayao province said they saw the numbers “008” in the trunk and decided to play those numbers for the lottery … and won! I hope that they went back to the tree and offered it gifts of flowers and chocolate. There have yet to be any subsequent predictions, but it just goes to show that the vagina is a magical and powerful thing that can make you a lot of money. Just kidding about that last part. Kinda. [Tabloid Prodigy]