“Bachelor Pad”: Who’s Doing What With Whom In Episode 3

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Last night’s episode of “Bachelor Pad” should have been called “The One Where They Try and Give Each Other Mono.” See, this week’s big competition was a kissing contest — every Bach and Bachelorette had a turn at being blindfolded, as the opposite sex took turns kissing them with as much gusto and tongue as they could muster. Then the blindfolded one would vote on which person was the best kisser and so on. Basically, ABC is not even trying to stand in the way of these dorks sharing bodily fluids. Do they at least test them for herpes? The guys kissed the girls first, lining up one by one to swap spit. Then the guys were blindfolded and the girls took turns kissing each of them. It was interesting checking out each of the techniques. Natalie — who was confident she would win because she would kiss everyone in the house “for $20 bucks” — and Elizabeth were aggressive kissers using lots of tongue and nibbling. Gia, who has a boyfriend on the outside, was drowning in a sea of guilty tears, so she kept things pretty tame. The gals didn’t have much love for the Weatherman’s kissing technique, though he was pissing his pants with excitement at finally getting the opportunity to get some action. In the end, Dave and Peyton were voted the best kissers, and I learned that guys who go on shows like “Bachelor Pad” apparently prefer soft kisses without a lot of wet tongue. Noted! Also, may I just say that if an episode of a TV show could be my spirit animal, it would be this episode. Who wants to have a kissing contest?!

As the winners of this highly cerebral competition, Dave and Peyton were awarded roses and the chance to go on dates with three other people of the opposite sex. Dave chose Natalie, Krisily, and Nikki for his date in, naturally, the classiest place in the world … Las Vegas! Apparently, Nat and Dave have a past history together in that they’re good friends who’ve always been very flirty but never taken it to the next level. And now that Natalie and Jesse B. are no longer hooking up, Nat hoped to ignite the flames of desire with Dave. Meanwhile, Krisily (who voted Dave best kisser) said she felt major sparks when they kissed during the contest and suddenly found herself crushing on the big, blue-eyed lug. Nikki was just happy to be there, I guess. In Vegas, the foursome went to a “topless pool” but did not get topless. Then they went back to the fantasy suite where Dave was informed he had to choose one woman to spend the rest of the evening with. Of course he went with Natalie because Dave is a man who likes a deal that’s already closed if you know what I mean. The two of them had such an amazing rest of the night together — in other words, they f**ked — that Natalie declared that they were now a “couple,” but they would be keeping their union a secret from the rest of the house. She moves on quickly, no?

Peyton — who I’m starting to think might be a bit of a dark horse to win the whole thing — chose Natalie’s former hook-up bud, Jesse B., for her date, along with Kiptyn and Jesse K. Kiptyn has been kind of considered “off-limits” because Tenley has non-verbally declared dibs, while Jesse K. is aligned closely with Elizabeth, who’s got him under her thumb. Peyton and the dudes go to a racetrack and drive fast cars and it’s a pretty boring date all around, until Peyton and Jesse B. go off and make out and sparks totally fly. Natalie and Jesse B. are really the perfect competitors for this show, because they’re willing to make out with anyone and not get jealous. Anyway, Peyton gives her rose to Jesse B. and the two of them go off to their fantasy suite and I doubt they had sex because Peyton doesn’t seem like that kind of girl (i.e., like Natalie), but I’m pretty sure she and Jesse B. will keep up the romance at least into next week.

So, back at the house, eliminations were on everyone’s mind. Half the house is seriously gunning for Gia because they blame her for a lot of the drama of last week’s elimination or something. I don’t really get why everyone has it out for her, to be honest. Neither does Wes. The country crooner is crushing HARD and he even brought out his guitar to sing her the exact same song he played for Jillian Harris in his original season of “The Bachelorette.” You know, “Love, It Don’t Come Easy”? Dude, seriously, get another song. Gia then uttered the greatest line ever uttered on “The Bachelor” or “Bachelorette”:

“He’s like the modern-day Shakespeare but better and cuter!”

So, yeah, Gia, the chick with a boyfriend back home is falling for a guy who’s using the exact same schtick to woo her as he did to woo another girl on TV a year ago. Gia, you are dumb.

So Wes desperately tried to save Gia’s ass by trying to persuade the other guys to vote for Elizabeth instead. His reasoning was that they needed to “break up the couples,” which he tried to accomplish by threatening that if they didn’t get rid of Elizabeth this week, Jesse K. would go home next week. Meanwhile, Gia was trying to get a bunch of the girls to get rid of Jesse K. this week, but the Weatherman was still target #1. In the end, the Weatherman — RIP! — was handily voted out, but there was a tie between Gia and Elizabeth in the girl vote. That meant that Dave — as winner of the guy rose — had to choose which one of them would stay and which one would go. As Dave is more aligned with Jesse K. than Wes, he gave Gia the heave ho. Phew!