Recently, an enterprising bro made a handy iPhone app that allows men to track their girlfriends’ and wives’ period cycles. Jon Rose, who created the whimsically titled “Code Red” app, says it tracks “all of her cycles — it works for ovulation … it works if you just want to know when she’s going to be PMS-ing, it works if you want to know if she’s extra horny.”
Nice job making tricky technology work for you, Jon, but a period-oriented iPhone app isn’t necessary! There a bunch of tell-tale signs that your woman is on the rag. After the jump, we give you some of the most obvious signs your lady is riding the crimson tide.
- Bears: Bears chase her down the street, are pawing at the windows of your apartment and can’t seem to get off your lady’s scent. Seriously bears, lay off.
- Midol: She’s blowing lines of crushed-up Midol and cackling maniacally about “water weight.”
- Sharks: She can’t go swimming. Because her period attracts SHARKS! So many SHARKS!
- Tears: She won’t stop crying. Your sheets, shirts, towels and couch are stained — with hysterical lady period tears.
- Burning: Puritans and fundamentalists keep trying to burn her at the stake, believing her to be a witch or a harlot or a total slut.
- Ice Cream: She’s knee deep in several pints of Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby and threatens you with a spoon if you try and take it from her.
- Dogs: Every dog within a mile radius comes running to sniff her crotch and bark.
- Lifetime: She locks herself in the bathroom and won’t come out until you promise to watch the special LMN weekend series on “Women Who Kill.”
- Fat: She’s constantly complaining about how fat and bloated she feels. More than usual, even.