Dear Christina Aguilera,
Mariah here. You know me as multi-platinum zillion-selling recording artist Mariah Carey, but you can just call me Mimi. Me and a few of the S&M crew (that’s singing and movies crew, guys!) wanted to reach out to you because we heard you had a new movie coming out, called “Burlesque.”
First: Soooooo sorry about Lady Gaga stealing your whole kooky blonde lady steez — we heard you had to cancel a bunch of dates on your last tour because you just couldn’t get it together. No worries, mama.
But back to “Burlesque.” Chrissy — can I call you that? — we are so excited for your new movie, coming out this fall, but let’s be honest. Making movies is HARD. The whole S&M crew — me, Madonna, Eminem, Britney Spears, J. Lo — we all at one time or another thought that broadening our creative horizons in film would be a good idea. And yes, I KILLED IT in “Precious.” But eww, I had to wear a fake mustache for that movie. Because that’s what ACTING is!
Look, it’s just not that easy. And there are a lot of things out of your control. Like your co-stars. I heard you’re starring in “Burlesque” with Cher? I mean, CHER? You don’t make your acting debut against a powerhouse like Cher. I mean, was Meryl Streep not available?
And that’s just the beginning. We know “Burlesque” is gonna be so great, but we wanted to share some important lessons we learned about life, and acting, from our Hollywood experiences. You could learn a thing or two for your next movie!
1. Biography: When in doubt, just make a movie mirroring your own meteoric rise to fame. Eminem and I did it. And everybody LOVED our movies. OK, everybody loved his movie. Fine.
2. Taryn Manning: Both Brit and Eminem are asking — where is Taryn Manning? She was great in Em’s “8 Mile” AND Brit’s “Crossroads.” Weren’t you contractually obligated to include her in your movie?
3. Virginity: If you were smarter, you would have included a virginity plot line, like Brit did in “Crossroads.” Yeah, sure, you’re married and you have a son now, but viewers really want to consider your vagina an untapped rose, OK?
4. Boyfriends/Husbands: J. Lo wanted me to remind you — putting your significant other/children/pets in a movie is always a good idea. You saw “Gigli,” right? Wasn’t it great? She and Ben Affleck had so much chemistry. Ditto for Madonna and Guy Ritchie after they made that awesome movie “Swept Away.” I wonder why they broke up.
Anyways! Just wanted to give you a few friendly words of advice. I’m sure “Burlesque” is gonna be soooooo good! GTG, Nick wants to go shoe shopping!