We’re just a few weeks away from September, which is terrifying because where the hell did the time go? But also nice because all the hooligans will be back in school and, at least between the hours of 8 and 3 p.m., the streets will be safe. And the movie theaters and malls will be empty and the beaches pristine and quiet. Not that anything cool ever happens before 3 p.m. anyway, but it’s somehow comforting that the kids will be at their desks, filling their little minds with knowledge. This has nothing to do with movies really, except that now you can go to matinees and there won’t be anyone throwing popcorn at the back of your head. Probably. This week, go catch “The Switch,” “Lottery Ticket,” “Piranha 3D,” or “”Nanny McPhee Returns.”
The Movie: “The Switch”
The Trailer: Kassie (Jennifer Aniston) decides to have a baby using artificial insemination and picks out the perfect donor (Patrick Wilson). During her insemination party, her best friend Wally (Jason Bateman), who’s secretly in love with her, gets wasted but has no recollection of what happened the next day. Seven years later, Kassie moves back to New York and Wally can’t shake how her son Sebastian (Thomas Robinson) is just like him.
The Hitch: You can’t really go wrong with Jason Bateman and an adorable neurotic little kid. And even though parts of the premise have been done before, it’s a pretty fresh spin on it. The movie also appears to be much more comedy than romantic, which is a major plus, in my opinion. And say what you will about Aniston, but she looks pretty adorable in this.
The Movie: “Lottery Ticket”
The Trailer: When a young man (Bow Wow) in Atlanta’s housing projects wins the lottery during the long 4th of July weekend, the whole neighborhood suddenly wants a piece of him.
The Hitch: When did Lil Bow Wow become regular Bow Wow? And more importantly, when did he get hot? The premise seems a little simplistic, but I guess someone had to answer that hypothetical “what if you won the lottery” question.
The Movie: “Vampires Suck”
The Trailer: A spoof on the “Twilight” saga, it’s basically the same movie, only self-referential and chock-full of pop culture references.
The Hitch: I have no idea why you would see this in theaters. This is obviously the kind of movie that would require a large pizza and some kind of drug to enjoy.
The Movie: “Piranha 3D”
The Trailer: An earthquake unleashes some prehistoric piranhas into Lake Victoria in Arizona, where thousands of college kids are celebrating spring break. The sheriff (Elisabeth Shue) investigates while Jerry O’Connell shoots an amateur movie called “Wild Wild Girls” and Richard Dreyfuss shows up as a fisherman.
The Hitch: I feel awful for laughing at the trailer but this is a joke movie, right? I’m already deathly afraid of deep sea creatures, so seeing them in 3D, eating sexy co-eds alive, should be super therapeutic.
The Movie: “Nanny McPhee Returns”
The Trailer: When some naughty children arrive at a countryside farmhouse, Maggie Gyllenhaal is told that she needs to enlist Nanny McPhee (Emma Thompson) to get the rascals in line.
The Hitch: It’s like “Super Nanny,” but prettier and with magic and the English countryside. I’m glad that Maggie Gyllenhaal had a chance to rock an English accent. I was very impressed to hear that Emma Thompson also wrote the screenplay, but it’s kinda hard to see her look so unattractive.