30 Things I Do Well

I was ahead of the curve and posted the 30 things I love about myself months before “Love Yourself Week,” so I’ve decided to celebrate the week (and myself) by taking a cue from Wendy. Here are the 30 things I do well — some I’m proud of, others not so much.

  1. Polishing off a bottle of wine by myself.

  2. Making an ever-improving and evolving marinara sauce.
  3. Listening to the people I care about.
  4. Tuning out those I don’t.
  5. Google stalking.
  6. Obsessing over even the tiniest details of what a dude I like said or did and trying to decipher what it all means.
  7. Channeling my dog Lucca’s thoughts and putting them into words (in her slightly lisping dog voice, of course) because she is my spirit animal.
  8. Falling in high heels.
  9. Hunting down an item of clothing that I want, even if it’s sold out, somewhere, somehow and buying it.
  10. Justifying taking a cab to work.
  11. Multi-tasking at work to the point that I think I stupify my co-workers. Right now I am writing this list, editing a post, cropping photos for a slideshow, thinking about my budget for August, eating Five Guys, and reliving the hot sex I had last night.
  12. Blow jobs.
  13. Dirty talking.
  14. Not caring what people I don’t know think of me.
  15. Caring too much about what the people I do know thinking of me.
  16. Swearing at both appropriate and inappropriate times.
  17. Forgiving people. Except those who don’t deserve or haven’t earned my forgiveness.
  18. Holding grudges.
  19. Plotting revenge but not actually going through with it.
  20. Shoulder stand in yoga.
  21. Being self-deprecating but not in a way that implies I secretly have s**tty self-esteem.
  22. Appreciating and enjoying even the lowest forms of pop culture, like “Twilight,” Ashlee Simpson’s music, and “You’re Cut Off.”
  23. Nicknaming people, particularly the dudes I have had sex with, like The Two Pump Chump, Fatty Big Balls, and The Switcheroo.
  24. Self-reflecting.
  25. Writing about myself in a way that (I hope!) is still relatable to people who are not me.
  26. Lying on the beach for longer than most people could possibly stand.
  27. Throwing myself in cold ocean water and not being a screaming wuss about it.
  28. Putting together IKEA furniture all by myself without grave bodily injury.
  29. Making everyone feel comfortable talking about anything without feeling judged.
  30. Killing bugs.