How To Tell If Your Man Is Gay — Or Not

Hey laaaaaaaadiessssssss, wanna know how to tell if your husband/boyfriend is a homosexual?, a website which purports to provide “conservative values for an unsaved world,” has a list of 15 signs your man is a friend of Dorothy’s, “drawing on the expertise of spiritual and medical professionals.” Here are the ones that had never occurred to me. [UPDATE: Apparently, this is very well-written parody. Fooled me!]Sign #1: Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers says that women should “be on the lookout for a man who doesn’t want to web surf or answer phone calls in your presence” and that “texting is another favorite trick used by adulterers.” I agree that both of these things are a sign that a partner may be cheating — but not gay cheating necessarily.

Sign #4: Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home

Says Christwire scribe Stephenson Billings (is that your real name, sir?): “Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them. They sweat and they smell. Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing and will also be incredibly particular about the cleanliness of the home. Does your man tweeze his eyebrows, trim his pubic hairs or use face moisturizers?”

So, my man is gay if he doesn’t smell like B.O. and has a clean apartment? Oh no, and the guy I’m bumping uglies with right now even manscapes his junk a little! How could I be so blind?!

Sign #5: Gym membership but no interest in sports

In other words, if your man ditches out on the Yankees game in favor of a two-hour workout at Crunch, he’s having anal sex in the steam room. Sucker.

Sign #6: Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”

“Gay men don’t need words to communicate their availability for sex ‘hook ups,'” says Billings. “They silently broadcast the news by showing off their lean, hard bodies in designer clothing labels.” Um, is it just me or does Billings sound a little bit like he’s drooling all over his keyboard? Cold shower, Stephen. Take one.

Sign #7: Strange sexual demands

Christwire warns, “If there is a sudden interest in sodomy, sadomasochism, lubricants, role-play, sex toys or other non-traditional intercourse methods, this is clearly an indication of deep emotional abnormalities.” Ruh-roh. Iz in trouble.

Sign #9: Travels frequently to big cities or Asia

Ha! And you found his worldly and well-traveled personality was attractive, didn’t you? Idiot! If he has a desire to visit Thailand without you, he’s obvs trolling for international dick.

Sign #12: Love of pop culture

Specifically, Billings says, “The Golden Girls,” gossip websites, and “Glee.” So. Wait. I’m a gay man now?

Sign #13: Extroverted about his bare chest in public

Geez, Christwire, did you have to call out Matthew McConaughey specifically? Rude.