Our favorite little “Millionaire Matchmaker,” Patti Stanger, announced yesterday that her engagement to Andy Friedman is off, writing, “It hit me really hard that I want kids in my life. You have to agree on the non-negotiables.” The two have been together for six years and just got engaged on Patti’s b-day last year with a gargantuan heart-shaped ring … which hopefully she got to keep. We’re bummed for Patti, but totally support the idea of a mini Patti to carry on the matchmaking tradition. So, to help her out, we’ve found some eligible men for her to make babies with. [People]
- Gerard Butler. Patti gives dating advice. Gerard was in that movie “The Awful Truth,” where he told women what they were doing wrong. They could go on the road and fix bad daters across the country!
- Zach Braff. Besides their Jewish heritage, Patti and Zach don’t have much in common, but he’s got good taste in music and is funny sometimes and Patti would probably have a ball telling him what he’s doing wrong in his dating life (i.e. being a sleazeball). It would at least be entertaining!
- Ted Habert. Now that Chelsea Handler is done with Comcast president Ted Harbert, Patti should get in there and maybe work out a talk show on E! while she’s at it? Who cares that Chelsea called the guy a “giant toddler” in her most recent book—the guy’s loaded and obviously has a thing for funny ladies.
- Duff Goldman. After a breakup, I like to sit at home eating “lighter s’mores” and blocks of cheese. This is precisely why the star of “Ace of Cakes” would make a good rebound for Patti. He’s Jewish, philanthropic, and can make Patti some comfort food cakes. Plus, with their respective careers, they can corner the market on wedding cakes.
- Mortimer Zuckerman. He’s the owner of NY Daily News, he’s kinda dreamy, and he’s on the chair of the Conference of Presidents of Major Jewish American Organizations. He’s also a billionaire. If Patti’s gonna be setting up daft Russian models with millionaires, she’s got to nab a billionaire for herself. The idea that a smart, sassy, and motivated woman like Patti can’t score a fantastic (and loaded) man is just depressing. Plus, how great is the name Mortimer?
- Dwayne Johnson. Patti needs a man of power who can equal her in the bedroom and a guy of The Rock’s size and strength can probably handle that “spinning” thing Patti’s always talking about. After asserting herself all day long, Patti needs a guy who’s tough and won’t take her nagging, but will instead assuage her worries. Plus, after all those ridiculously embarrassing kiddie movies, like “Tooth Fairy,” it’s apparent that The Rock would make an awesome dad.
- Larry David. I imagine Larry David and Patti Stanger’s romance unfolding like a scene in a Woody Allen movie. There would be some kvetching, some good one-liners, and a mazel tov later they’d live happily ever afterish!
- Mel Gibson. In reality, I wouldn’t set my worst enemy up with Mel, but I really want to see Patti make the guy cry. He needs to pay for his abuse towards women and anti-Semitic rages. It would be like one really long episode of “Millionaire Matchmaker,” but would probably have to involve some bondage and psychological torture to get mean Mel to reboot.