Writing a song about self-love isn’t as easy as it sounds, I imagine. How do you pen a tune about masturbation that doesn’t sound obvious or conjure up disturbing images? The following artists did it right, in no particular order (and check out clips of the songs, after the jump).
“And when my hand touches myself/I can finally rest my head/And when they take from his body/I think I’ll take from mine instead/Getting off, getting off while they’re all downstairs.” — Tori Amos, “Icicle”
Lyrical analysis isn’t my forte, but it seems like Tori is saying she’s diddling herself while her man’s funeral is going on downstairs. Scandalous!
“When there’s no-one else in sight/In the crowded lonely night/Well I wait so long/For my love vibration/And I’m dancing with myself.” — Billy Idol, “Dancing With Myself”
Do you think he keeps his leather glove on when he’s doin’ it?
“Let me go on, like I blister in the sun/Let me go on, big hands I know your the one/Body and beats, I stain my sheets/I don’t even know why.” — The Violent Femmes, “Blister In The Sun”
The Violent Femmes should really consider having a box of Kleenex on the nightstand for such occasions.
“You got your left hand/You got your right hand/The left hand’s diddling/While the right hand goes to work.” — Devo, “Praying Hands”
“Do we even need to write the lyrics here?/You know the damn thing by now don’t you? Don’t you? Fine, here it is: “I don’t want anybody else/And when I think about you I touch myself/Ooh, ooh, ooh, aah.” — The Divinyls, “I Touch Myself”
Many people fantasize about their own sexual partners when masturbating. Do you?
“This I’ve got your picture, I’ve got your picture/I’d like a million of you all round my cell/I want a doctor to take your picture/So I can look at you from inside as well/You’ve got me turning up and turning down/And turning in and turning ’round/I’m turning Japanese, I think I’m turning Japanese.” — The Vapors, “Turning Japanese”
So the deal with this song is that a guy, like, squints his eyes when he’s about to…you know…and hence he is “turning Japanese.” I sort of think this song is a little racist, but it is a classic.
“Do I wanna go out with a lions roar/Huh, yea, I wanna go south n get me some more/Hey, they say that a stitch in time saves nine/They say I better stop–or Ill go blind/Oop–she bop–she bop.” — Cyndi Lauper, “She Bop”
Prudes sometimes tell their kids that masturbating will make them go blind. All I know is I can see just fine. Hey! That rhymed!
“Cause I just discovered/Imagination’s taken over/Another day without a lover/The more I come to understand the touch of my hand/The small of my back/The arch of my feet/Lately I’ve been noticing the beautiful me/I’m all in my skin and I’m not gonna wait/I’m into myself in a most precious way.” — Britney Spears, “The Touch Of My Hand”
For the record, this is post-Justin, pre-Federline, so girlfriend was probably a little lonely.
“I knew a girl named Nikki/I guess u could say she was a sex fiend/I met her in a hotel lobby/Masturbating with a magazine/She said how’d you like to waste some time/And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind.” — Prince, “Darling Nikki”
This song and its racy lyrics is what prompted Tipper Gore to form the Parents Music Resource Center, which eventually led to the use of “Parental Advisory” stickers and imprints on album covers. The song was also dubbed “pornographic” and “satanic.” Awesome!