D-Bags Galore: A Field Guide To The 7 Worst Guys On The Internet

Every once in a while, a singular man emerges out of all the double rainbows, cats wearing wigs and Lady Gaga fan fic, and proves himself to be a truly exceptional asshat. These very special guys say and do offensive, obnoxious and borderline illegal things and then POST ABOUT IT ON THE INTERNET — and for that we think they should all collectively probably never get laid again.

Earlier this week, a new d-bag tossed his ring into the Crappy Internet Dude pool. Adam White was a whiny blogger/frustrated writer who outed the identity of Twitterer TeleEroticist — a female blogger who wrote hilarious missives on her experiences as a phone sex operator — to her family. White was seemingly bitter that TeleEroticist’s writing — along with that of other women writers like Julie Klausner — was getting notice while his own highly fascinating blog, “Reasons Why I Hate Girls,” was not. This guy is just one of a zillion out there who mistakenly believes that a woman’s success comes at his own expense. But perhaps, dear Adam, these female writers are getting book deals because they’re talented and you’re not, baby.

After the jump, we’ve assembled some of the worst dudes to ever grace the internet’s tubes in one handy list. It’s not simply that these guys suck; they suck in particular because they hide behind the protective safety of their computer monitors (safely out of kicking range) in order to say and do truly horrible things. Get ready for douche chills. 1. Arthur Kade: Arthur Kade’s delusions of grandeur, success and attractiveness are so extreme that we, at times, wonder if his self-obsessive blog is actually really edgy performance art. Kade revels in “Kade-ifying” everything (example: California is Kadefornia, Malibu is Kadeabu — you get the idea), but his raison d’etre– dubbed The Journey — is his struggle to become a successful actor via bit parts in M. Night Shyamalan movies. Rest assured, The Journey leaves him plenty of time to rank women’s looks on an impossibly ridiculous scale of attractiveness (Angelina Jolie, for instance is only a 8.5, though he claims to only sleep with 9s and 10s.)

2. John Fitzgerald Page: Dubbed “The Worst Person in the World,” JFP first garnered attention for his really awesome online dating skills. After a woman politely declined going on a date with him, Page wrote this sweet reply:

You are not in shape. I am a trainer on the side, in fact, I am heading to the gym in 26 minutes! So next time you meet a guy of my caliber, instead of trying to turn it around, just get to the gym!I

These days, he’s terrorizing fellow citizens through his “modeling and talent agency,” and his personal modeling and acting career. Watch for him as a “waterpark frolicker” in an upcoming Holiday Inn commercial.

3. Paul Janka: While this internet snake seems to have slithered off into the grass somewhat, his icky web presence can still be felt via his personal website, which espouses that he’s a “New York Playboy” somehow qualified to give dating and relationship advice. And yes, you better believe he has a “system”:

In 2006, I realized that my hit rate was skyrocketing. That winter and spring I had some incredible weeks: 4 girls in 5 days; 2 girls in one night, etc. I thought about why things were so plentiful and the answer was: I had a system. I think most guys spend time and money in the wrong place and then get frustrated when they don’t get laid. Or, worse, they find that one girl who they can get the honey from and they stick by her side no matter what, like a puppy. I’ve found that with a system and a deep pool of talent, p*ssy is really the second most abundant commodity on earth, after water.

Need further proof? Let’s look at Mr. Janka’s recent post on his date with “Nicole”: “Nicole was a beautiful blend of Nicaraguan and American, and I love South-of-the-Border dining.” What a classy, classy guy.

4. Tucker Max: Newsflash, Tucker Max: Just because you acknowledge you’re an “a**hole” doesn’t make you any less of one. Max has somehow made his suckering of women into a highly successful career, penning two books and having a film adaptation of one of them. Ladies, this guy wouldn’t have a career if women didn’t sleep with him. Just saying.

5. Dmitri the Lover: Horrible internet d-bags aren’t just a stateside problem. Canada has “Dmitri the Lover,” who offers “seduction” coaching at the low, low, low price of $3,000 a day. He offers group meetings “as a community service to horny men yearning to learn the secret to quickly seducing cold, uptight, sexually repressed local slut” and believes in “worship of the c**k.” Click on the site if only for the hilariously janky “erotic” animation.

6. The Boys Life NYC blogger: The anonymous blogger behind the whiny blog Boys Life NYC is sort of the indie rock version of all of these other jerks, incorrectly believing that his refined taste in sneakers and records somehow negates his piss poor sexist attitude. Exhibit A, on the mind-numbing dilemma men have in deciding whether to bang 19-year-olds or 30-year-olds:

“Ok so young girls are a pain in the ass, harder to close, as the Wall St. guys say, and 19 times out of 20 s**ttier in bed. But god damn it that skin and that butt … But the old girl will be so much better in bed and funnier, yeah but shes old.”

And plus, women over 30 are all on an “ill husband hunting mission.”

Don’t say we didn’t warn you.