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Dear Wendy: “I Had A Threesome And Got Knocked Up”

I’m 25 years old and just found out that I’m pregnant … after having a threesome with an old fling and his roommate one drunken night. People don’t know about this secret sexual life I lead, and it’s truly going to rock the world of my conservative family. I’m against abortion and at a loss for how to handle this. How the hell am I supposed to tell my mother why I don’t know who the father is? Do I tell the guys? Could I keep this baby and have to explain that I need a paternity test to figure it all out? I know I got myself into this mess and I fully take responsibility. I’m just in need of some guidance on how to tackle it. I want what’s best for the baby. — Three’s a Crowd

First things first: get a check-up, STD tests, and have your pregnancy confirmed by a doctor if you haven’t already. Regardless of all the emotional and relationship complications here, your health — and the health of your unborn baby — is top priority. I happen to be pro-choice and, fortunately, a pregnant woman has more choices than abortion or keeping her baby. If you truly want to do what’s best for the baby, I hope you’ll explore all options before settling on one. Speaking to someone at a family planning clinic, like Planned Parenthood, can help you review your options and choose the one that’s best for you. A trained professional can also talk to you about DNA testing — both pre- and post-natal — including the benefits or possible risks to you and the baby you’re carrying. Even if you decide to give the baby up for adoption, you may want/need to conduct a paternity test in case the baby or its adoptive parents want to know who the biological father is, as well as his lineage and family health background.

That brings us to telling the two guys you had a threesome with. As I reminded “Pregnant and Terrified” last week, whose booty call got her pregnant, you aren’t the only person responsible for this pregnancy. Not only should you not deal with the consequences alone, but if you’re going to bring a baby into the world, the biological father deserves to know about it. If you decide to keep the baby, you may want to ask for financial help in raising it. There may even be potential for a father-child relationship you’d be depriving them both of if you keep the information to yourself.

Finally, know that your situation, while unique, isn’t exactly rare. In a relatively sexually liberated society like ours, plenty of babies are conceived outside monogamous relationships. All you have to do is watch one episode of “Maury” to know this sort of thing — not knowing who your baby’s father is — happens all the time. Your conservative family doesn’t have to know the details — they don’t need to know about the threesome. They really don’t even need to know anything about the father. Depending on how you decide to proceed, you can tell them that you got pregnant by someone you aren’t in a serious relationship with and don’t plan on marrying or co-parenting with him so his identity isn’t important and you want to keep it private. You’re a grown woman and their approval, while nice to have, isn’t necessary for, like, your survival or emotional well-being. If you can’t turn to your family, turn to your close friends for moral support. It’s times like these you learn who’s there for you. Good luck.

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