How Likely Are You To Get Married?

At this point in my dating life, I’ve basically resigned myself to the fact that there is no one out there and I should get used to the idea that if I want kids, there is a sperm bank in my future. I blame these feelings on Los Angeles, where the lost boys pretend they’re still in their 20s so that they can get the coveted jobs and still pass as teenagers on “90210.” Real jobs and nesting are out of the question as they would stand in the way of auditions/freelance movie work/touring with their band. But The Daily Beast had an interesting article today called “15 Signs You’ll Get Married,” which seems to disagree with me. According to their helpful statistics, I am apparently 126 percent likely to get married. And if I’d been in the military, this number would be 258 percent. So obviously not only am I super gifted at math, but I should probably stop worrying? The funny thing is, I’m right to blame some of my dating woes on California, because after Washington D.C. (24.9 percent), Cali has the second lowest marriage rate in the country at 47.8 percent. But most of the numbers dictate that those who are educated, intelligent, have an income above $22K and have always been healthy are more likely to find love. It also helps to be Christian, in the military, from happily married parents and to be white, apparently. And while some of the statistics seemed reasonable, there were a few surprises, like the fact that women without a male twin are 15 percent more likely to get married than women with a male twin, due to the amount of testosterone they were exposed to in the womb. Or that with Caucasian males who’ve been incarcerated there is a 95.1 percent chance they’ll get married by the time they’re 40 years old. So, if you’re looking to rope a man, hang out outside of prisons looking femmy and don’t mention your male twin? [The Daily Beast]

I don’t think that statistics are the best way to tell you if you’re going to get married or not anyway, because as easy it is to put people in little piles based on race, education, and religion, these charts have left out a whole mess of past experiences. And the fact that most people I know are totally insane, unemployed, and have no desire to be in a relationship. I will submit my letter of apology when that 126 percent points me in the direction of a decent guy, but in the meantime, I’m still skeptical.