“Bachelor Pad”: Who’s Doing What With Whom In Episode 1

Guess who has a new favorite Monday night trash TV show? “Bachelor Pad” debuted last night and was everything I could have hoped for and more. The premise: 19 former contestants on ABC’s “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” series, living in a house together, having their lives taped, to find out what happens when people stop trying to fall in love and instead focus on winning money. Greed! Hookups! Tears! The lowdown on what happened in the first episode after the jump …

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The contestants might not necessarily mean much unless you’re an avid “Bach” fan like I am, but some of the more recognizable faces include Jonathan (aka “The Weatherman”) and Craig, his nemesis from Season 6 of “The Bachelorette; Elizabeth, the brunette-turned-blonde who refused to kiss Jake on Season 14; Wes, the cowboy with a girlfriend who pulled the wool over Jillian’s heart on Season 5; Gia, who made Jake’s final three; Jessie (aka “Bordello Jessie”), who not only appeared on Jake’s season but also ratted out Justin “Rated-R” to Ali Fedotowsky for having two girlfriends; Kiptyn and Tenley, both runners-up in their respective seasons.

As our handy-dandy graphic indicates, many of the contestants walked into the “Bachelor Pad” with prior relationships, either from becoming friends on their own seasons or developing relationships/flirtations via “Bachelor” meet-ups. Kiptyn and Tenley have gone out on a date and definitely have their eyes on each other; Elizabeth and Jesse K. (who she insists on calling by his last name, “Kovacs,” I guess to distinguish him from the other Jesse) are dating; and the other Jesse — Jesse B. — immediately started hooking up with Natalie, after an existing flirtation, on last night’s episode. Meanwhile, there was already one former couple in the house — Juan apparently had some sort of a sexual relationship with Nikki, but then left her hanging. Meanwhile, previews have hinted that Wes and Gia start a romance, even though she has a boyfriend off camera. All of these people would probably end up swapping partners regardless, but ABC has made it even easier by putting them all in one giant bedroom. I’m assuming there’s a garbage bag of condoms hanging on the door too.

All of the housemates compete in various challenges — whoever wins gets a rose. Whoever gets a rose gets to pick three people of the opposite sex to go on a group date with and at the end of the date they award one with a rose. Those two are safe from elimination. Then, the rest of house has to vote to decide which two people to evict — and to make it interesting, the women are evicting men and the men are evicting women. Therefore, hooking up is an essential strategy. I told you ABC was making it easy on these hos.

Last night, Craig won the first rose and took Gwen, Jessie, and Elizabeth out on his date; Elizabeth, for the record, hates Craig, though he seemed somewhat clueless to that fact. Craig gave a rose to Jessie so both of them were safe. Meanwhile, Elizabeth basically declared that she had dibs on Kovacs, which he thought was bad strategy — after all, if everyone in the house knows they’re an item, and thus an “alliance,” they’re making themselves targets. Though Elizabeth and Jesse K. walked into the house as a couple that was casually dating, she declared that she was in love with him and shed tears because she felt like he wasn’t “appreciative” of everything she was doing to help him win the game. I felt for the girl, because loving someone who doesn’t feel as strongly back totally sucks, but still — she was breaking out the bunny-boiling a little early on.

The girls had some rifts too. Tenley suggested that she heard Michelle and Craig hooking up, which caused Michelle to go on a crazy rampage, locking Tenley in a bathroom to confront her. Everyone thought Michelle was crazy already based on her behavior during Jake’s season, but this made things even worse — Michelle was voted out in the end, though Krisily should watch her back too. As for the dudes? Juan’s history with Nikki caused the other women to turn against him, sending his douchey ass packing.

And that, my friends, was episode one of “Bachelor Pad.” See ya next week! [Click here to view larger infographic]