Girl On Girl: An Open Letter To Elisabeth Hasselbeck

Dear Elisabeth Hasselbeck,

I have to say, you truly enlightened me last week when you opened your trap on “The View” and said that women who turn gay later in life do so because they can’t get a man. You said, “I’ll tell you what’s happening. Older men are going for younger women and leaving the women with no one.”I wonder, Elisabeth, how much thought have you really given this? I realize that being the host of a popular talk show gives you license to crank out bogus speculation on issues you know nothing about. However, I think in the future you should think a bit more before saying something this ludicrous and offensive on television. I’ve decided to help you out. (You’re welcome!)

First off, this comment says something about your own insecurities and relationship drama. Are you worried about being left for a younger woman and feel threatened by supple skin, perky boobs and natural hair coloring? Fear not, Elisabeth. You have enough money to preserve yourself like a Twinkie for the rest of your natural life. But what do the rest of us do!? Since the world is not full of gray-haired, pot-bellied old geezers screwing sexy 20-somethings, I am led to believe that things aren’t as simple as you think. Perhaps some relationships are built around love and trust and maybe certain couples like each other for something other than appearance. Word on the street is that some are attracted to these things called intelligence and kindness. Surely you’ve heard of those qualities.

I’ll give you this: it is true that some women date and even marry men only to go for women later on down the line. But did you ever think that maybe this has less to do with prowling, silver-haired horn dogs and more to do with the women? Perhaps these pathetic, older gals who can’t get a man were always gay or bi and, just now, are finding the strength to explore their sexuality and come out. Society has become slightly more open and accepting in recent years, no thanks to people like you. Some of these women may be fed up after years of trying to make it work with someone of the wrong gender. I bet some older lesbians just happened to fall in love with a person of the same sex. Not everyone is 100 percent gay or 100 percent straight. Things can change.

Your theory is not without precedent. Enlightened peeps like yourself have been telling us lesbians that we’re gay just because we can’t get a man for a long time. The implication in this argument is that women have lower standards than men. Ugly, old and undesirable gals have no choice but to turn to women, who will accept their wrinkly, drooping, grayed bodies with open legs. But guys know better, right? They want only the cream of the crop.

I apologize if I seem a bit harsh, Elisabeth, but please know that I have your best interests in mind and that I sympathize with your predicament. You are 33 years old, which is pretty much over the hill in “celeb” years. Your husband will probably be leaving you for someone half your age any time. Perhaps you should beat him to the punch by giving girls a try? If you want, I can show you the ropes. We could even breath new life into your career by leaking the sex tape. Consider it and give me a call.

Yours truly,

Nikki Dowling