Ten More Commandments of Going Commando

I don’t necessarily remember the first time I learned about going commando but I surely do remember my first experience going commando and now I understand why there are the 10 Commandments Of Going Commando. I had joined Bally Total Fitness in an attempt to get fit. I was told it was a good gym near my house and there were always cute guys there. Bingo! There was no question, I was signing up. Well, when I signed up, they told me that with every new membership, you receive a complimentary personal training session. I figured it couldn’t hurt, I’d get one good training session and if I liked it, maybe I’d continue. Well, I didn’t continue … and now all I want to know is where were my panties when I needed them?

I was on the way to the gym for my first personal training session with a male personal trainer named Anthony. I walked into the locker room and as I was taking out my gym shorts and tank top I realized that I did not bring underwear with me. I hadn’t worn any underwear that day, for whatever reason, free-vagina-ing or what not, I didn’t wear them. Despite my missing undies, I wasn’t going to cancel my personal training session, so, there I was, wearing my white size large Soffe cotton shorts without underwear. Keep in mind I was a size small, wearing a size large with no underwear on. I figured I’d just make sure that Anthony wouldn’t come anywhere close to my legs, he’d simply instruct me, not He was a goofier, dorkier, and less built version of “The Situation”, he was simply a dork with a sweat suit on and from the start I was worried. Just like the first commandment from The Ten Commandments Of Going Commando, “Thou shalt not go commando in high school gym class”, I shouldn’t have gone commando in any gym, period. I don’t know what I was thinking but thank goodness I had recently gotten a Brazilian wax and was looking particularly spiffy down below. After my work out, everything was still going fine until he stretched me. Anthony called me at least five times a week for the next two weeks to try and schedule another personal training session. To this day I’m still not sure if it was simply the fact that he was a perv or if he simply liked the sneak peak of everything he’d never get. Either way, I never called or went back to that gym, and I learned my lesson not to sin and always wear panties to the gym.

The The Ten Commandments Of Going Commando were great but I think they forgot a couple …

  1. Thou shalt never go commando in someone else’s clothing. If you’re going to borrow someone else’s clothing, make sure you wear your underwear. Sure, the clothes get washes but you wouldn’t want your friends vagina all over your clothes, now would you?
  2. Thou shalt never go commando to the office. Whether you’re going for a job interview or you are already working there, possibly flashing your co-workers or boss would probably not be the best way to keep your job.
  3. Thou shalt never go commando on a windy day. Going commando may be a great feeling, the whole wind in between your legs thing, but unless you’re ready to give the world an unexpected surprise peep show, wear panties.
  4. Thou shalt never go commando when trying on bathing suits. Those plastic protective liners are in the bathing suit bottoms so they don’t get dirty but that does not mean you can just free-vagina in them, think about how many other people do that too. Keep your panties on when trying on bathing suits, the thought of your vagina on some strangers should be more than enough of a reason to wear panties.
  5. Thou shalt never go commando when going clothing shopping.If you’re ever been to a store like Loehmann’s you would know you can’t go clothes shopping commando because you never know when they will have a communal dressing room. I’m sure you don’t want to see everyone else’s cho-cha, and they probably don’t want to see yours.
  6. Thou shalt never go commando when playing with children.Kids are rough, require a lot of attention and you never know what to expect from them. Always wear panties around children. Getting pants-ed by your nephew at a family barbecue would probably be funny until he asks someone, “Is that a vagina?”
  7. Thou shalt never go commando on a pony.Unless he’s super sexy and talks.
  8. Thou shalt never go commando when playing games.Unless they’re sex games, strip poker or naked twister, there would be nothing sexy about your vagina hanging out during a game of soccer or getting sand up your hoo hah while sliding into home base during a game of baseball. The only time your panties should be off is when he’s sliding into your home base.
  9. Thou shalt never go commando at a picnic. You’re always sitting on the floor, hanging out, and simply not paying attention when you’re at a picnic, not to mention having bugs crawl up your hoo ha is an itchy thought to begin with. Just because you’re on a flat surface with a sheet under you doesn’t mean it’s ok to not wear panties, this is not the gynecologist’s office.
  10. Thou shalt never go commando in a hospital. If ever, by unfortunate chance, you end up in the hospital, they make you wear those ugly ass gowns with no back. If you’re not wearing panties you best believe that everyone including your sexy doctor might just see your toosh and even something more, walking around the hospital. A grandma once said, always wear nice underwear in case anything bad ever happens, you wouldn’t want to be caught in a hospital with nasty underwear on, especially if by chance your doctor is McSteamy.