Dear Wendy: “My Boyfriend Fantasizes About His Ex”
Recently, I opened up my boyfriend’s computer with no intentions of snooping, and his recent Google searches came up. He had been Googling a woman he worked with in the past. I never knew whether they had a relationship prior to ours (we’ve been together for almost two years), but I knew they had “something” going on. After I discovered he had been basically Googling her model pictures, I got very curious, and looked at his history, and saw that after Googling numerous pictures of her, he watched quite a few pornos. So it’s obvious he had been “doing his thang” to this girl’s pictures. I approached him about it, and of course he flipped out on me for snooping on his computer. He then finally confessed “we had amazing sex and she turned me on.” WOW. I couldn’t believe it! Let me also say I don’t know any of his past partners, and I like it that way. I am an extremely jealous woman, and this has just put me over the edge. My insecurities are at their highest now with him, and I feel like I can’t be good enough for him sexually. Why can’t he “do this thang” to MY pictures? I understand men are visual, and that’s just how they are. But it weirds me out that it’s someone actually from his past. It’s driving me crazy!! HELP!!! — Jealous Snooper
I’m sorry, but you kind of brought this on yourself. I mean, you opened your boyfriend’s computer and his recent Google searches just “came up”? How does that even happen? It seems to me you would have had to go looking for his recent Google searches, the same way you went went snooping through his history. Look, if you’re an “extremely jealous” type of woman, you should know better than to go snooping through your boyfriend’s computer (actually, you shouldn’t go snooping even if you aren’t a jealous type, but I digress). You should know you’re bound to find something you don’t like, because for jealous women, the internet is an absolute minefield, full of exes on Facebook, porn you’d rather believe doesn’t exist, pictures of girls who are prettier than you, and digital bread crumbs leading all the way through your boyfriend’s past.
The thing is, it isn’t uncommon for guys to look at porn on the internet. It isn’t uncommon for them to fantasize about other women — yes, sometimes even their exes whom they had “amazing sex with” — when they’re “doing their thang.” And it’s not uncommon for them to combine fantasies — to think of their exes in porn situations (and positions) … maybe even think of you and their exes together at the same time. As a matter of fact, what makes you think your boyfriend isn’t “doing his thang” to your picture? He probably has a whole bunch of your photos stored in his mind’s eye for key moments alone. But, the truth is yours obviously isn’t the only picture he looks at, and if it disturbs you or “weirds you out” so much to imagine your boyfriend doing what almost every other guy on the planet does (fantasize about multiple people), for the love of God, don’t go searching on his computer. What goes on in his imagination, as long as he isn’t acting on it, is his business. Granted, he was an insensitive dolt to tell you how amazing the sex was with his ex, but I have to wonder how much you pressed him to make his “confession” when it was never any of your business.
Since you can’t unlearn what you now know — and have seen — I’d suggest sitting down with your boyfriend, apologizing for snooping through his computer, promising it won’t happen again, and telling him you’d love to have a dirty, sexy photo shoot with him, so the next time he wants to “do his thang,” he can look at pictures of you instead of his ex. That doesn’t mean he won’t ever look her up online and fantasize about her again, but maybe it will help you get over feelings of inferiority and, at the very least, give you a fun way to spend an hour instead of thinking those things you shouldn’t be thinking.
Just a week ago, a man I once knew and hadn’t spoken to in a couple years messaged me on Facebook asking me how I was. This man is my ex-husband’s best friend, as well as the fiancé of a former friend of mine. As it turns out, he contacted me with hopes that I’d be interested in having an affair with him. From what he’s told me, he hasn’t had sex with his fiancée in almost a year. Years ago, I did have a bit of a crush on him, and and ever since he contacted me, the old feelings I had for him have come back and made me curious. But in addition to him being engaged, I, too, am in a relationship. It’s a long distance one and neither my boyfriend nor I have said that we loved one another yet. I never thought I’d be the type to even consider cheating, but now I find myself thinking about it. I feel really torn here. I thought that my current relationship was a good and healthy one, but now that I’m thinking about having an affair, obviously something isn’t right. I’m afraid that I might actually go through with it unless I get some much needed advice. — Curious Cat
You don’t really need advice; you just need someone to tell you what you already know. So, here it goes: nothing good can come out of sleeping with this guy. Not only will you wreck any potential for a happy relationship you might have with your boyfriend, you’re inviting all kinds of drama into your life by getting involved with a man who’s not only engaged — to a former friend of yours! — but happens to be the best friend of your ex-husband. This guy is a total sleazeball and whatever momentary gratification you might get from having your curiosity satisfied, it won’t be worth the trouble you’re inviting into your life by going there. Girl, this is one time you gotta just say “no.”
Follow me on Twitter and get relationship tips and updates on new Dear Wendy columns!