31 Ways Women Worry About The Way They Look

I used to work retail and “fitting room” was my favorite shift. While my other coworkers dreaded it, I thought it was friggin’ hilarious. Let me tell you, what people say when they’re in their underpants trying to squeeze into something is comedy gold! As a grownup fat kid, I’ve always struggled with my body issues, from my back titties to my general spherical nature. Nowhere was I ever able to laugh at myself more than in that dressing room, where I’d hear hot women of all shapes and sizes completely rip on themselves … instead of blaming, oh, the cut or the designer. It was ridiculous! And the best part was, the woman who picked the most ill-fitting clothing always bought the most. Self-acceptance is a cosmic joke. So, let’s laugh together with these completely true, yet hilarious, things women are insecure about when it comes to their bodies.

  1. Am I really as fat as this picture makes me look?
  2. Does the concealer hide the zit or does it just make it more obvious?
  3. Is my booty bootylicious?
  4. Does my vag smell and/or look weird?
  5. Can I still wear shorts if I have cellulite?
  6. Do I look good for my age? Or am I the Lindsay Lohan of my generation?
  7. Are my tits perky?
  8. Sheesh, I’m a sweaty bitch!
  9. Do people think I’m fat?
  10. Does my nose qualify as a “honker”?
  11. With all the things I have to shave and wax, I must be Chewbacca’s long lost cousin.
  12. Is my gun show too flabby to go sleeveless? When will the sleeveless bridal dress trend end?!
  13. My hair is so thin I look like I’m bald.
  14. My hair is so thick I have to use horse shampoo and a weed wacker.
  15. I have messed-up cuticles and no nails and it stresses me out. But I bite the nubbins to relieve stress; it’s a vicious cycle.
  16. Two words that can ruin everything: boob sweat.
  17. I am so bloated today I feel like a balloon with an elastic waistband.
  18. I look like I could be a footballer with these shoulders.
  19. I have big feet.
  20. I’m taller than most dudes.
  21. If I could get my ears to flap, I could do a mean “Dumbo” impression.
  22. My fingers are like fat sausages.
  23. My stomach sticks out more than my boobs.
  24. I have to wear pants to hide my cankles.
  25. Can anyone tell I gained five pounds since the breakup?
  26. Is my cleft chin a bonus extra butt or does it make me a butt face?
  27. If I don’t wear high heels, I look like a short blob.
  28. I’d never let anyone see me without makeup. I even sleep with it on!
  29. Why, oh why, must my thighs stick together?
  30. What’s that roll doing there? It’s clearly a menace to South Central.
  31. Someday I’ll get preggers and it’ll all turn to mush.

Ladies, did I miss anything?