Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Tiger Marrying Rachel? Angelina’s Heroin Binge Photos?

Tabloids might represent something detestable about modern society, but at the same time, they’re keeping alive one of the world’s oldest arts—storytelling. The weaving of a good tabloid story doesn’t happen easily, it requires snoops, narcs, tattle-tales, “friends” and sometimes a few white lies. Often, the story is drawn out to be as dramatic as possible, as with “The Bachelorette” rumors and the new tell-all about Angelina Jolie, which will apparently be revealed one chapter at a time. And sometimes stories just explode and, like mutant octopi, their arms breed new tales. This week, we present you once again with the best tales from some of the best storytellers around. Happy Tabloid Day!

  • OK! says that the war between Kourtney Kardashian’s boyfriend Scott Disick and her family is about to blow up during the “Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami” season finale. Kim told her sister, “I don’t get why you always forgive him… Scott should not be staying out all hours of the night, coming home smelling like smoke, alcohol. It’s so selfish.” In the finale, Scott lands himself in the hospital after hitting a glass wall and splattering blood everywhere while Kourtney hides with Kim and her baby Mason, and says, “I’m afraid he’s coming back.” Maybe it’s over for good this time?
  • The tabloid has decided that Sandra Bullock is “Ready to Date” and even had “Tough Love” host Steven Ward suggest some potential boyfriends like Hugh Grant, Aaron Eckhart, Dane Cook and Jake Gyllenhaal. A source close to Bullock says, “Sandy’s been having a good time chatting with her girlfriends about who she could potentially go out with. She’s drawn up a list of guys she has a crush on… The main criteria is a sense of humor.”
  • Unsurprisingly, since Lindsay Lohan’s incarceration, some of the blame has been put on her crappy mother, Dina, who when she recently visited her daughter in prison, smiled for the paparazzi pictures while her daughter Ali hid her face. One insider said, “Dina’s a ‘momster.’ She looks at her daughter and sees dollar signs.” Her actions not only potentially hurt Lindsay, but they enable her drug use. One expert says, “If a parent is in denial about a child’s self-destructive behavior, she’s enabling it… And if Dina relies on Lindsay’s money, Dina might not want to rock the boat.” Dina has reportedly already sold Lindsay’s post-jail interviews for more than a million dollars. [OK!]

  • It’s counting down to “The Bachelorette” finale and a Ali Fedotowsky will reportedly choose between the two remaining bachelors—Chris and Roberto. Star says that during her final date with Roberto, the two went snorkeling and holed up in a private cabin for three hours. During her date with Chris, they had two bottles of champagne sent up, but Ali was back in her room before midnight. The tabloid then detailed the rose ceremony, with the winner’s name omitted. Before the proposal took place, Ali filmed the kiss-off scene to the runner-up, there was a downpour that required drying off plants, and the boat carrying her man didn’t make it to shore because the tide had lowered. But eventually, she got her proposal, said yes. They retired to her villa while the crew and runner-up had a wrap party.
  • Christina Applegate has had a crazy two years—beating breast cancer, getting engaged, and finding out she’s pregnant. Applegate said, “I was shocked when I found out! You just go, Wow! I feel like the universe knows how to give something to you when it’s time, and I got it.” A fertility expert said that the fact that Applegate didn’t receive radiation or chemotherapy probably improved her chances. In 2008, Applegate got romantic with her friend of more than 10 years, Martyn Lenoble of Porno for Pyros. Lenoble is apparently already a great dad to his child from a previous relationship. Lenoble helped Applegate through her treatment and her ex-boyfriend’s deadly overdose. Applegate says, “Martyn came along at a time when there was a lot of loss in my life. Without him, I don’t know if I could have gone through any of it.”
  • In preparation for the “Jersey Shore” premiere, some spoilers are coming out. Apparently, Sammi Sweetheart isn’t as nice as we thought—she gets in a fight with a girl who hit on her boyfriend, Ronnie, and got in an extension-pulling fight with J-Woww. Snooki is up to no good, apparently hooking up with The Situation and Vinny. There was also a girl fight between Snooki and Angelina, which apparently included a pot of marinara sauce on top of Snooki. [Us Weekly]

  • The National Enquirer says that Tiger Woods is going to marry his mistress Rachel Uchitel and wants another baby, but he’s pissed that she’s going to be on “Celebrity Rehab” to try to kick her addictions to alcohol and Ambien. According to a source, “Rachel explained that she’d being paid $500,000 and could kick her pill habit at the same time. She knows she is seen as the woman who broke up Tiger’s marriage, and by doing the show she hopes to gain a sympathetic image by the time she marries him.” Meanwhile, Tiger’s “livid that she’d expose her addiction in such a public way.” The source said Tiger wanted Rachel to do a private program and is also worried that Dr. Drew might tell her to leave him. Elin is furious that Tiger said he’s in love with Rachel and told him there’s “no way my children will start looking at that tramp as their stepmother!” Elin is fighting for full custody.
  • Equally enthralling, it looks like Levi Johnston might have another baby mama on his hands. After Bristol and Levi broke up, he hooked up with his ex-girlfriend Lanesia Garcia, who’s fully preggers and believes Levi could be the father. A source says she plans on doing a paternity test once her baby is born. A source says, “The result of the test may determine whether or not Bristol goes ahead with the wedding. Levi is a nervous wreck—praying he is not the father.” Sarah Palin was allegedly about to forgive Levi, but will change her mind if he’s cheating. Another of his ex-girlfriends said that Levi tried to see her a month ago and when she refused because he has “Bristol” tattooed on his ring finger, Levi had the tattoo covered up with the outline of Alaska.
  • In a less than uplifting story, the Enquirer rounded up celebrity “Beaters and Cheaters.” The cover features a badly beaten blond with the words “Inside, Photo That Shocked the World” over her eyes. But the article reveals that the woman was Dolly Parton, made up for a role where she played an abused woman. Some surprising alleged beaters include Jason Lee, who’s ex-wife Carmen Llywellyn said Jason became “very physical” when he was drinking and realized he was an alcoholic when he drank 17 mini bottles of booze on the flight back from their honeymoon. New Age musician Yanni. And the butter-loving chef Paula Deen, who allegedly had a 10-year affair with a married electrical engineer before meeting her current husband. [National Enquirer]

  • Ali Fedotowsky talked to People about breaking the rules, but it’s still unclear whether that means that she ended up alone or just did the finale in an unconventional way. Ali says of the finale, “It isn’t what people are used to seeing. It came from a very real place. It was not scripted.” And because of the failures of past “Bachelor” relationships, Ali says she was hyper-aware of the importance of her decision. “I asked myself, ‘Am I going to feel strongly enough to get engaged?’ To me, an engagement is almost the same as saying ‘I do’ when you’re married. I wasn’t going to give up that moment in my life for the sake of picking someone. I wanted to make sure it was right.” Meanwhile, blogger Reality Steve is adamant that she’s single.
  • People did a story called “Gym, Tan, Family,” which introduced the people that brought our favorite “Jersey Shore” cast-members into this world. Snooki bonds with her dad Andy, saying “You’ve never made a margarita before? Do you want to get drunk—or wasted?” Classic. J-Woww’s dad said he raised her “like a little boy: martial arts, go-carting, snowmobiling and four wheeling.” Pauly D admits that before the show, he’d “never even been to Jersey!” He grew up in Long Island with his mom. The Situation was a mortgage broker before the market collapsed and he moved home to be a fitness model. Vinny’s mom says he “was more interested in studying for his LSAT than partying.” Sammi’s mom says she hasn’t changed much and was always obsessed with her hair and “always had to be perfect.” Ronnie, who’s from the Bronx, still has Sunday macaroni dinners with his extended family but makes his grandpa turn off MTV.
  • Beverly Cleary, the cutest person ever, talked to People about the new “Ramona and Beezus” movie and what inspired the books. The 94-year-old author was working as a librarian in Washington when “a boy said to me, ‘Where are the books about kids like us?’ And that stuck in my head.” The characters Ramona and Beezus were inspired by two sisters who lived near her childhood home in Portland, “The little one called the big one Beezus. And the only time I saw the little one, she was walking home from the store eating a stick of butter.” Cleary made sure that the movie stayed true to her vision, with no slang or trendy clothes. She still gets hoards of fan mail every year and says kids aren’t so different these days, they “want a home with both parents living in it. They want friends to play with. Nice teachers. The same things we wanted as children.” [People]

  • Star got a hold of eight never-before-seen photos of Angelina Jolie in a thong, with electric tape X’s over her nipples, “experimenting with bondage and spacing out during a heroin binge.” The pictures were apparently taken in 1999 by a friend and are accompanied with more secrets from Andrew Morton’s tell-all Angelina: An Unauthorized Biography which will be released soon. Morton says that at one point, Angelina was very strung out on heroin and determined to die. “She decided to hire a hit man to do the deed, paying him in a bizarre installment plan so that no one would notice the money going out of her bank accounts or feel guilty for causing her death.” This desperation occurred after Angie finished filming “Gia,” and the assassin told her to think about it for a month, which led to her changing her mind. Not long after finishing “Girl, Interrupted,” Angelina was locked up in a psych ward. The book also details a long list of famous men Angelina has allegedly bedded. Poor Angie.
  • Star is also insisting that Ali left the “Bachelorette” single because apparently she exchanged phone numbers with Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart, who she met at a charity bowling event. A witness says, “Matt had Ali in his sights all night.” Another source adds, “He’s just her type. She’s crazy about athletic guys… It took a while for Matt to get her attention. But when he was finally able to get Ali away on her own, he laid the charm on thick.” The two hung out in a quiet section of the lounge. The source says, “Matt finally asked for Ali’s phone number, and she happily gave it to him. He put it directly into his cell phone and then gave his number to Ali. He promised that he’d call her.” The source warns, however, that Matt has a reputation for throwing “wild hot tub parties” and hooking up with celebrities like Kristin Cavallari, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Blake Lively.
  • Madonna and her daughter Lourdes Leon are preparing to launch their Junior’s fashion line, Material Girl, and both agreed that the face of the brand should be Taylor Momsen. Their chief marketing officer said, “Taylor was a natural choice. She’s kind of an edgy rocker chick, and Madonna and Lourdes agreed. She’s actually someone who would wear the collection.” Lourdes styled the shoot while Madonna occasionally grabbed the camera from photographer Tom Munro. Madonna and Taylor apparently got along great. [Star]