Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Oprah Was A Teenage Prostitute? Gore’s Masseuse Abuse Plot Thickens?

It’s a slow news week when the biggest stories are about bikini bodies and celebrities without makeup, but this week had some pleasant surprises as well. A certain husband-stealing vixen made some endearing remarks about her family to People, for instance. And friends and families voiced support for one loud-mouthed abusive anti-Semite and one ginger in jail. It might be interesting to do an entire Tabloid Cheat Sheet in code and see if you know who I’m talking about. The fact that this sounds like a good time to me might be reason enough to get out of the house more. Anyway, we rounded up some heart-warming moments and scary tabloid accusations this week for your perusal. Enjoy your sugar-coated tabloid num nums!

  • I kind of thought the tabloids had already discussed Ali Fedotowsky’s losing ten pounds, but I guess it’s not official until there are the obligatory happy bikini shots? Ali said that her weight gain just sort of happened, “I was always hungry! I didn’t think much of it, but everyone noticed.” Ali attributes her six-pack to good genes, admitting that she doesn’t have to do many sit-ups. Ali said her diet consisted of oatmeal, post-workout protein shakes, a fruit salad for lunch, and a SmartOnes or Lean Cuisine frozen dinner. Ali also admits she can’t cook and buys pre-made chicken breasts and bagged salads a lot. She also takes one day off a week where she likes Hawaiian stuffed crust pizza and Oreos. She also says she’s really excited to stop living with the secret of the “Bachelorette” finale.
  • Lindsay Lohan’s currently serving her time, but OK! got the scoop on her final days at Pickford Lofts sober living facility, where Lindsay detoxed before lock-up. Lindsay had to be eased off about a dozen prescription drugs including Adderall and Vicodin, but is allowed a very low dosage of anti-depressants and a low-level anxiety pill. A source says, “Lindsay was terrified and hysterical. Her biggest fear is being trapped all alone in a small space—she has always suffered from claustrophobia.” Another insider says that Lindsay’s “looking at this positively” and “planning to sketch, write and refocus her energy on positive things.” There are hopes that a career comeback might be possible after the star sobers up. Earlier in the year, Lindsay said she wanted to start a charity and do a legitimate film.
  • The “Jersey Shore“‘s Snooki said she was starstruck when she met Jennifer Aniston at a recent premiere: “I was, like, shaking! I’ve met so many celebrities, and I’m always just like, ‘Hey, whatever. I know how you feel.’ But Jennifer Aniston is an A-list celebrity—she’s on top. I’ve always admired her. When I met her, I was like, ‘Oh my God, this girl’s amazing.’ She was so polite, so nice and so beautiful.” Snooki also said the last thing she’d Googled was, “Myself—five minutes ago” and that “This past year has been the luckiest year of my life.” For her last meal, the reality star said she’d go Italian, with “baked ziti and a-meat-a-balls!” Of course. [OK!]

  • I guess it’s a really slow news day, Us Weekly featured the longest article ever about “How She Stole Brad,” since there’s a new tell-all by Andrew Morton called Angelina: An Unauthorized Biography coming out on August 3rd. Apparently, Jennifer Aniston first met Angelina Jolie when she dropped by the set of “Friends” and Jen said, “Brad is so excited about working with you. I hope you guys have a really good time.” The book mentions that Jen’s psychic had warned her of a “dark angel” in her life. Brad didn’t show up to the final filming of “Friends,” because he was shooting with Angie and soon enough, Brad and Jen were getting a divorce while Angie was playing innocent and following her UN obligations. Now it’s all history and Brad told Rolling Stone magazine that his favorite movie was “Mr. & Mrs. Smith,” “Because you know… six kids. Because I fell in love.”
  • In all the Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston drama, some of us were still waiting for Sarah Palin’s reaction, and Bristol confirms “My Mom Doesn’t Approve.” Bristol says that she didn’t wait for her mom to find out with the rest of the world, but called her and said, “Hey Mom, I have something to tell you. Levi and I got engaged.” Bristol said her mom’s “apprehensive and concerned” about the engagement as she doesn’t want to see her daughter get hurt again and told Bristol that “Actions speak louder than words” and is going to see if Levi changes and gets a job and education. Bristol admits that none of her family and friends are particularly excited about the wedding, saying, “there’s no ‘Woohoo, you’re getting married!’ Instead it’s ‘You’ve got a lot of work ahead of you, guys.’ People are more worried for me than they are excited.” Bristol also slams the rumors that a reality show is in the works: “I don’t think I’d ever consider it… I don’t want that invasion of privacy.” Interesting.
  • An insider says that Ali Fedotowsky’s west coast wedding will take place in early 2011. We still don’t know who the bachelor will be, but Ali said, “I’m so happy! I’ve never been in such a good place in my whole life.” Some on-set secrets were also revealed, like the fact that the rose ceremonies can last from “8 to 12 hours,” sometimes filming until 7 a.m., and with free-flowing booze, some people get drunk by the early morning. In order to remember the contestants’ names, a producer will tell the bachelor or bachelorette a couple names at a time. Some of the dates last up to 16 hours and according to the creator, Mike Fleiss, some end intimately, “I think the average is that the guy will end up having sex with about three women during the course of the show.” Finally, we get the truth! [Us Weekly]

  • I’m not sure what beef The National Enquirer has with Oprah Winfrey, but today they’re claiming she had a secret life as a teenage prostitute. Oprah is apparently worried that the secrets will come out when the tell-all Oprah: A Biography gets made into a miniseries. A source says, “Oprah is reeling at the thought that her dirtiest secrets might soon be acted out night after night on TV. She is marshaling all her influence and cast fortune to prevent any of the allegations from leaking out.” The tabloid claims that while Oprah has said that she got pregnant at 14 after being sexually abused by a relative, a family insider said, “Oprah ‘dated’ men-as she called it-but she was actually having sex in exchange for money. She was a prostitute—period … While her mother, Vernita Lee, was at work, Oprah brought men home for sex… Oprah got from $2 to $4 from her ‘dates.'” Oprah’s half-sister Patricia confirmed, “Whenever a guy arrived at our door, Oprah would give Popsicles to me and Jeffrey and say, ‘You two go out on the porch and play now.'” Oprah got pregnant after about a year of “dating” and had the premature baby when she was 15 years old, but the baby died about a month later and Oprah’s allegedly been lying about it ever since, even signing a Miss Black Nashville pageant form, saying she’d “never conceived a child.” Oprah’s cousin Katharine also denied that Oprah grew up poor, saying, “Where Oprah got that nonsense about growing up in filth and roaches, I have no idea.”
  • Apparently, two new women have come forward, alleging that Al Gore abused them in similar stories to the first alleged abuse; one supposedly took place at a Beverly Hills hotel during the Oscars when Gore won an award for “An Inconvenient Truth,” and the other took place in a Tokyo hotel. The Beverly Hills masseuse said that “Gore shrugged off a towel and stood naked in front of her. He pointed at his erect penis and ordered her, ‘Take care of this.'” The woman said she ran out and told the spa manager, who ordered Gore to never come back but then proceeded to hush up the incident and ordered staff not to talk about it. When contacted by the Enquirer, the former executive at the hotel said, “Yes, something happened between Al Gore and a massage therapist at the hotel. The woman claimed he exposed himself to her and demanded sex.” When they tracked down the therapist, she didn’t deny the allocations but asked “who told” the tabloid. The other incident took place after Gore spoke at Keio University, when Gore asked for a masseuse and became “sexually inappropriate” when she began massaging him. She wanted to go to the police, but the hotel staff apparently convinced her not to. Doesn’t Gore know there are women who are actually paid for sex?
  • Kim Kardashian has apparently been giving her new friend Justin Bieber advice on how to sell out. An friend said, “Kim’s become a mentor for Justin. She’s encouraging him to branch out and make the most of his brand.” Kim suggested the singer do a line of hair care products, since his haircut has become super popular. Kim did a great job of “parlaying her own notoriety as a party girl into a one-woman media mogul,” and, apparently, “Justin is listening.” A source says, “He’s planning to move quickly on Kim’s idea for the hair products. As a show of thanks for her support, Justin promised Kim a lifetime of his hair care stuff!”[The National Enquirer]

  • It seems like it’s been ages since Angelina Jolie defended herself against the constant tabloid criticism, but Angie finally talked to People! Angie talked about how weird it was going back to work on “Salt,” after taking 18 months off to care for her twins but is so happy with her family: “Brad’s an extraordinary father. We have each other’s backs. Brad knows me completely, exactly as I am, every part of me. He loves me. The kids love me. They know all of my flaws and oddities. And they accept them. And so I can feel complete.” The producer of “Salt” said that the rumors were silly: “You never saw any fights. It got to the point where [the gossip] was almost amusing if it hadn’t been so mean.” Angelina said of her twins, “I begin each day listening to Viv and Knox talking. They always wake up first and have the cutest conversations when they think everyone is still asleep.” But Angie says she’s not looking forward to the brooding years. “I’m not ready. I’m glad I have a few more years. I’m not ready for them driving or dating. I break out into a sweat at just the thought… Our plan is just to have really great relationships with our children, so when we hit that time where they don’t want to talk to us, we’ve instilled some good values already, we’re working on it now.”
  • Our favorite plus-sized model Crystal Renn talked to People about the Photoshopped pictures that sparked a controversy, saying, “I am healthy. I am toned. I am not like that. I don’t want some girl who’s recovering from anorexia to see that and think, ‘Oh, she actually thinks only being thin is beautiful.’ That’s not what I’m about.” Crystal did admit that she’d dropped 15 lbs. since last year, weighing 150 lbs. now on her 5’9″ frame and saying, “I started a new workout routine. I hadn’t exercised in seven years!” On top of her anorexia, Crystal suffered from exercise bulimia, and says, “I’d work out eight hours a day and eat nothing but lettuce. If I felt like I was going to faint, I would have a zucchini and get just enough sugar to keep going… My fear was people saying, ‘Why is she on the elliptical for eight hours?'” In her recovery, Crystal says, “For years I was scared to step close to exercise.” Though some fans aren’t psyched on the weight loss from a size 14 to a size 10, Crystal says, “I can’t conform to a body that other people want from me, whether it’s a 0 or a 16. This is me taking care of myself. And I feel the best I ever have right now.”
  • People has asked what we’ve all been wondering—”What Happened to Mel?” Since the damning rants have surfaced, “His family has been busily working their rosaries, praying for Mel,” while his friends have been dumb-founded. The story traces Mel’s rise to stardom, his alcoholism and his downfall. A priest on the set of “The Passion of the Christ” said, “He was like a roller coaster of emotions and beliefs. He would scream at some of the actors when he felt they weren’t getting the ‘intensity’ of the scene right.” One co-star said that after the film’s release, Mel got flack for being anti-Semitic: “People started attacking him, and I don’t think he’d been attacked before.” Many of Mel’s friends, though they’ll admit he has issues, don’t think he is capable of the things he said on the tape. One female collaborator said, “This is not the Mel I know. He could get angry. He could get mad. But screaming mad like on these tapes? Never.” [People]

  • Apparently, Jessica Simpson’s friends are warning her about her new beau Eric Johnson, saying, “He’s using you.” One insider said, “Jessica is so starved for love, she just doesn’t see any of Eric’s faults. She’s been paying for everything in their relationship, and it doesn’t seem like Eric intends to stop that anytime soon.” In their two months together, Eric’s been crashing at Jessica’s mansion, accepting expensive gifts, and partying on a yacht in Italy for Jessica’s birthday. The insider said, “He isn’t making money, and he’ll lose half of what he does have when his divorce is final. He’s pinching pennies wherever he can… Jessica has blindly jumped into this relationship with both feet. Eric really hit the jackpot with her. He’s living the good life, and she’s footing the bill.”
  • “Real Housewives of New Jersey’s Danielle Staub has admitted to Star that she enjoys being the villain. “Every show has to have a villain,” she says. “It might as well be me! The villain is always remembered.” Her alleged friend Kim Granatell thinks that Danielle’s ego has gotten out of control, saying she recently went into a New Jersey restaurant and “told them to name a dish after her.” Her daughter Christine was upset when her mom picked fights with everyone at her 16th birthday party and said, “I have no idea why my mom has to ruin everything.” Danielle claims that the cast needs her for the show to be a success and without her, “the show would be like watching paint dry.”
  • Star did an in-depth look into what Lindsay Lohan’s life behind bars is going to be like, even setting out her daily schedule, which will require waking up at 5 a.m. and lights out at 9 p.m., with bland, simple meals like bread and butter, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and spaghetti with meat sauce and jello on any given day. Lindsay will only be allowed approved visitors on Saturdays and Sundays but can see her lawyers any day. A friend said that Lindsay was not only scared but also embarrassed: “She knew she was going from having been one of Hollywood’s top celebrities to being a prisoner locked up in the slammer.” Before being locked up, Lindsay would have been strip-searched and issued her jail uniform. Lindsay also had to have her hair extensions removed beforehand. Paris Hilton said of her first night in the same jail, “I was basically in the fetal position, basically in hysterics.” Another former inmate said, “If Lindsay expects special treatment, she’s in for a real shock.” Before leaving and detoxing, Lindsay had her jewelry put in a safe deposit box and her diaries and expensive clothing put in a storage facility. Before she went to jail, Lindsay cried to her friends, “I’m so scared. I don’t want to be alone.” Good luck, Lindsay, we’re rooting for you! [Star]